/begin dump
There's been so much making me feel like shit lately... I've spent a lot of days feeling like I need to cry but I can't. Been the worst the last few days though. Feel a lot like I'm losing control of things... though I know full well what we know as 'control' is a delusion but I like that little delusion and cling very tightly to it like a little kid to that favorite blanket or stuffed toy. I'm frustrated with me, with Will, with everything around me... and I don't know if there's a certain reason for it honestly. Maybe I'm just tired of playing happy all the time. There's a void in me that I seem to be feeling more so lately than I have in awhile. I can't get out of my own head, everything frustrates me or pisses me off or just makes me withdraw because I've just hit a point where I just don't want to see it anymore because I don't want to care. There's a part of me that's angry because I can't release this feeling like I once did. I draw your attention to humanoid exhibit A, 14 tattoos and a tongue piercing as ears don't count since that's 'normal'. I can't afford it... I can't afford anything... Though I like to trick myself into thinking I can and refuse to see that I can't and just on about whatever it is that I think buying will solve... I distance myself from Will because there's an irrational part of me that sees him as nothing but lazy right now... Here I am going to work all day (though I don't do much when there but that's not my fault at the moment) and he sits at home all day... I don't even know what he does most of the time. There are so many things that he could be doing but he tells me he doesn't want to do them by himself, like doing things around the yard. I mean we've talked about the things we want to do and its not he can't start cleaning the weeds and crap out. He doesn't need to me to do it... I just have this feeling that I'm no better off now than I was 10 years ago when I was running with the users and abusers who wanted nothing more from me than my car and what little money I had... My rational brain knows he's not the user type but the more emotional part of me, the one that relies a lot on what I've been through in the past, is getting REALLY loud these days. We need to do something... I just don't know what because every time I try to talk to him about it it just goes nowhere like I'm the one that has to get it started... even when I do stuff around the house, its only after I've ben at it a bit that he'll come and do stuff too... he knows better than to ask to help me specifically though since I usually don't want help unless I ask for it. And part of this little problem I'm having here is probably my fault... but if you see me straightening up in one room, why not offer to go work on another one? How hard is this? I just don't get it... and he procrastinates something awful... now I'm not calling the kettle black here because I know I'm not much better... but when it comes to REALLY important stuff I try very hard not to let the procrastinator in me get the better of me... Like Monday... he went in to do his unemployment stuff and it said he couldn't. When I asked if he called he said no, he wasn't up to waiting for an hour on the phone just to get to someone to talk to... I know its annoying, I know it sucks... but this a chunk of our ability to make ends meet, to live... THIS IS IMPORTANT! But anyway, he said He'd call Tuesday... I get home Tuesday to find him working on character Sheets for a D&D game he's going to be doing with some of his college friends via Skype and the what not... and when I asked if he'd called, he said no... now THAT pissed me off... here he was sitting here working on this stupid thing and he couldn't call the Unemployment office? Its stuff like this that REALLY frustrates me... He harps about getting the pictures from our wedding... Get off your ass and YOU call him! I've told him where the papers are... Its not easy for me to make that many personal phone calls here at work anymore... I have a supervisor who doesn't know enough to keep out of other people's business... I don't trust making too many calls around here unless I absolutely have to... and I know I spend money on my books... but its about the only sanity I have these days and I'm sorry but I don't really wonna give it up if I don't have to... is that so wrong of me? Maybe it is... not like I haven't been called selfish almost daily for a long time now. I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control... between that stuff and the fact that it seems I'm gaining weight and its really fast and I can't get rid of it even though I've adjusted what I eat and I walk every day and... I try... I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself... I don't like the person looking back at me, not just physically but in every other way... but I am who I am and to change feels like I'd be lying to myself too... I'm trying to be nicer instead of jaded and cranky, I'm trying to be more responsible but I admit that's not something that's come easily to me, ever... but I'm trying... but I don't even feel like I'm treading water... I always feel like I'm drowning. I just want to get in the car and go somewhere, just me, and leave everything behind for a bit... but who wouldn't right? I spend a lot of my day sighing in boredom or sadness or some other emotional reason... tears well up in my eyes and leak out for no reason... but I can't just cry and I need to... I know life sucks, I know life's not fair... I know all that. I can be so strong for other people but I can't be strong for myself... I can fix all sorts of things but for some reason I can't seem to fix this and that frustrates me too. I want to badly to fix it and I try to fix it... maybe I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know what I can do to try harder... Maybe I just want to be alone for a little while... but that doesn't seem to possible either because when you try to tell people you need to be alone they don't seem to get it. Like Will... he's alone all day at home... he gets time by himself... I don't... I'm at home, I'm with him, I'm at work I'm with my co-workers... and when I want to go out and just go to the mall by myself or anywhere else he gives me this look like he's hurt that I want to go alone. I get it... he has to stay at home all day and can't go anywhere and I know he gets a bit stir crazy. I know I would too if I couldn't go out. But I don't think he gets that going to work isn't alone time... yes I get out of the house but its just another sort of stir crazy never being allowed to be alone for any length of time. And I know Will wants to spend time with me and that's fine... but sometimes I just want to be alone... all by myself... no one around... I'm just so confused and frustrated and angry and... and... and... lost.
/end dump
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Sometimes I scare myself...
As the title of this entry states, sometimes I scare myself...
I've been working on a bit of a project for my Girl Scouts and it entails my going through their list of musical preferences... Now this was a learning experience over all for me just because as far as music goes I've pretty stayed out of touch for the last 10 or so years just because most of the music I heard on the radio made me sick... Bad wonna-be Rap, Hip Hop etc... I couldn't take it...
But then I actually let my Slacker play one day and found that I liked a lot of the stuff that's come out in the last year or so... (I'll admit it was mostly because many of my favorite artists from the 90s had made incredible come backs... but I digress) So I decided I wanted to learn more...
I put out a 2 purpose request to my Girl Scouts... 1st purpose I have to keep a bit under wraps because it entails a bit of a surprise for them (though not the grand one I planned but you'll find out about that later) and 2nd was to learn what the heck people are listening to these days because I'd found myself out of touch with music and that sucked because I'm like a freaking human juke box and having nothing new in my memory banks just pissed me off and there's no better way to get a glimpse than to ask 12 year olds...
I started this endeavor by asking these 4 12 year olds to make me a list of their 20 favorite songs... Then, once I'd seen their lists, I started listening to the 'pop'ular stations that would be most likely to play these songs.
I discovered two things... as I said before, music had made a bit of turn back in a direction I could tolerate... and the other thing I learned is that it had also gotten worse... I also discovered artists that I'd once dismissed (Katy Perry being one of them) because their music had progressed into something better since the first time I'd heard it... and I rediscovered many of my favorites (Gotta love reconnecting with my love for P!NK and Eminem)
So now with a firmer grasp of these songs that they had put on their lists I sat down to wade through their lists... and I realized that I couldn't use many of the songs because if they weren't out right labelled Explicit, I knew from having heard them that they were questionable and I couldn't include them in my little project...
And this is the point where I scare myself...
Two things dawned on me...
I actually stopped and thought about the content of these songs like a *gulp* responsible adult. (OH NO! PLEASE SAY IT AIN'T SO!) Before I wouldn't have cared if they had questionable content or swears in them... I wouldn't have thought twice about including them... but last night I found myself thinking that yes, one girl may be allowed to listen to this sort of music, others may not be and I could get into a bit of deep crap if these songs got into the hands of a girl who had the disapproving parents...
But this also led to me to another realization that made me a bit sick inside... I was 'censoring' the content of my project because of its content... I'm a purist when it comes to music... I don't like that people censor out swears and the like in a song because the song was created with these words and they are an expression of the artist singing them and the people that wrote them... who am I to say this is right or wrong? Who am I to judge like this? I felt like such a hypocrite... I don't like feeling this way... not one bit...
But because of this I found that I couldn't do the project as had originally intended because of this... and the fact that there was way too much over-lap in their lists. Over-lap being an issue I can handle... I just don't like the other stuff was a reason too... but being in the position I'm in I don't have a choice... I can't put questionable content into my Girl Scout's hands...
I hate this growing up shit... I really do...
V.
I've been working on a bit of a project for my Girl Scouts and it entails my going through their list of musical preferences... Now this was a learning experience over all for me just because as far as music goes I've pretty stayed out of touch for the last 10 or so years just because most of the music I heard on the radio made me sick... Bad wonna-be Rap, Hip Hop etc... I couldn't take it...
But then I actually let my Slacker play one day and found that I liked a lot of the stuff that's come out in the last year or so... (I'll admit it was mostly because many of my favorite artists from the 90s had made incredible come backs... but I digress) So I decided I wanted to learn more...
I put out a 2 purpose request to my Girl Scouts... 1st purpose I have to keep a bit under wraps because it entails a bit of a surprise for them (though not the grand one I planned but you'll find out about that later) and 2nd was to learn what the heck people are listening to these days because I'd found myself out of touch with music and that sucked because I'm like a freaking human juke box and having nothing new in my memory banks just pissed me off and there's no better way to get a glimpse than to ask 12 year olds...
I started this endeavor by asking these 4 12 year olds to make me a list of their 20 favorite songs... Then, once I'd seen their lists, I started listening to the 'pop'ular stations that would be most likely to play these songs.
I discovered two things... as I said before, music had made a bit of turn back in a direction I could tolerate... and the other thing I learned is that it had also gotten worse... I also discovered artists that I'd once dismissed (Katy Perry being one of them) because their music had progressed into something better since the first time I'd heard it... and I rediscovered many of my favorites (Gotta love reconnecting with my love for P!NK and Eminem)
So now with a firmer grasp of these songs that they had put on their lists I sat down to wade through their lists... and I realized that I couldn't use many of the songs because if they weren't out right labelled Explicit, I knew from having heard them that they were questionable and I couldn't include them in my little project...
And this is the point where I scare myself...
Two things dawned on me...
I actually stopped and thought about the content of these songs like a *gulp* responsible adult. (OH NO! PLEASE SAY IT AIN'T SO!) Before I wouldn't have cared if they had questionable content or swears in them... I wouldn't have thought twice about including them... but last night I found myself thinking that yes, one girl may be allowed to listen to this sort of music, others may not be and I could get into a bit of deep crap if these songs got into the hands of a girl who had the disapproving parents...
But this also led to me to another realization that made me a bit sick inside... I was 'censoring' the content of my project because of its content... I'm a purist when it comes to music... I don't like that people censor out swears and the like in a song because the song was created with these words and they are an expression of the artist singing them and the people that wrote them... who am I to say this is right or wrong? Who am I to judge like this? I felt like such a hypocrite... I don't like feeling this way... not one bit...
But because of this I found that I couldn't do the project as had originally intended because of this... and the fact that there was way too much over-lap in their lists. Over-lap being an issue I can handle... I just don't like the other stuff was a reason too... but being in the position I'm in I don't have a choice... I can't put questionable content into my Girl Scout's hands...
I hate this growing up shit... I really do...
V.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Thoughts on bin Laden...
http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/05/02/bin.laden.dead/index.html?hpt=T1
"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead..." After nearly 10 years (more if you count back to his terrorist actions pre-dating 9/11/01), this Elusive Man (Not to be confused with the fictional man of the same name from Mass Effect 2) has finally been eliminated... And while I share the nation's and the world's joy that this man can no longer spread his violence, hatred, and evil I'm also left with a sense of dread for the coming weeks, months, and perhaps years.
"Dread? Why dread?" you ask...
Think for a moment. First, bin Laden was crazy... not stupid... a man like him would not allow himself to be killed without training someone to take over for him. I can not seriously believe that he would have been THAT arrogant to think he would never die. It was no secret that he'd been sick over the years... he knew his days would come to an end eventually and I don't think he'd want his 'cause' to die with him. So you KNOW there is someone else just waiting to take charge and continue the fight...
That little bit actually brings to mind another thought... and please forgive me for digressing a bit...
How come after all this time, he'd FINALLY allow himself to be caught and killed? And chalk this up to conspiracy theory or whatever else you'd like.. but I think he LET himself be caught and killed. But why would he do such a thing... well I think he knew he was sick and that he was going to die anyway. In his mind, and in the thoughts he spread, he thought that it is better to die fighting in the name of their god... in the name of Islam, as a marter. (Now this is not a finger point to Islam... I know many people who follow this faith and they are NOT nutters like this guy... this is just my understanding of what bin Laden has been known to have held as belief.) To die of something like illness would not give him the glories in the after life that he preached to make people follow him... so what does one do? Die for the cause... this way, he dies in the name of his 'god' and he gets to have his virgins and what not in the after life instead of taking the 'weaker' way out and dying of illness and get nothing... if that's true or not remains to be seen as with any faith in the after life... not my issue to debate at the moment... But it would make sense... if you knew you were dying anyway, why not take the glorious route instead of the feeble one? I just find it hard to believe that after all this time, even with all the cleaver and well thought out military plans over the years, bin Laden would get caught and killed. He'd managed to slip out just in time so many times before... why would this time be any different?
Thank you for the indulgence... now back to the reasons for the dread...
Second, there are countless people out there that follow him... and they're not going to take the death of bin Laden lightly... Did we when they killed all of those people in the many terror attacks they planned including 9/11? Hell no... they're going to want 'justice' same as we did... Violence begets more violence here people... we can't forget that... The 'cause' wasn't just bin Laden... sure he was that one that helped them believe and led them in the belief, but once you have the belief, you're not going to let it go just because the man who brought it to you is dead... you're going to want to continue the fight in his name... that's how this sort of thing works.
This isn't a time for anyone to sit back and think it's over... its far from it. bin Laden's death is just another point in the timeline, nothing more. Am I going to rejoice with the rest of the world? You betcha I am, this is one of the few times I've really felt proud to be an American... but I"m not going to be naive and think this is the last we'll hear of this...
That's also considering "Was it REALLY him?"... depends what you read... the link I provided at the top of this entry lends enough credit to this thought... where in the beginning it says they sent samples for DNA verification because the face wasn't 100% recognizable as bin Laden's and yet at the end they contradict this fact and say there was enough recognizable to make a 100% determination that it was him... we'll see...
V.
"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead..." After nearly 10 years (more if you count back to his terrorist actions pre-dating 9/11/01), this Elusive Man (Not to be confused with the fictional man of the same name from Mass Effect 2) has finally been eliminated... And while I share the nation's and the world's joy that this man can no longer spread his violence, hatred, and evil I'm also left with a sense of dread for the coming weeks, months, and perhaps years.
"Dread? Why dread?" you ask...
Think for a moment. First, bin Laden was crazy... not stupid... a man like him would not allow himself to be killed without training someone to take over for him. I can not seriously believe that he would have been THAT arrogant to think he would never die. It was no secret that he'd been sick over the years... he knew his days would come to an end eventually and I don't think he'd want his 'cause' to die with him. So you KNOW there is someone else just waiting to take charge and continue the fight...
That little bit actually brings to mind another thought... and please forgive me for digressing a bit...
How come after all this time, he'd FINALLY allow himself to be caught and killed? And chalk this up to conspiracy theory or whatever else you'd like.. but I think he LET himself be caught and killed. But why would he do such a thing... well I think he knew he was sick and that he was going to die anyway. In his mind, and in the thoughts he spread, he thought that it is better to die fighting in the name of their god... in the name of Islam, as a marter. (Now this is not a finger point to Islam... I know many people who follow this faith and they are NOT nutters like this guy... this is just my understanding of what bin Laden has been known to have held as belief.) To die of something like illness would not give him the glories in the after life that he preached to make people follow him... so what does one do? Die for the cause... this way, he dies in the name of his 'god' and he gets to have his virgins and what not in the after life instead of taking the 'weaker' way out and dying of illness and get nothing... if that's true or not remains to be seen as with any faith in the after life... not my issue to debate at the moment... But it would make sense... if you knew you were dying anyway, why not take the glorious route instead of the feeble one? I just find it hard to believe that after all this time, even with all the cleaver and well thought out military plans over the years, bin Laden would get caught and killed. He'd managed to slip out just in time so many times before... why would this time be any different?
Thank you for the indulgence... now back to the reasons for the dread...
Second, there are countless people out there that follow him... and they're not going to take the death of bin Laden lightly... Did we when they killed all of those people in the many terror attacks they planned including 9/11? Hell no... they're going to want 'justice' same as we did... Violence begets more violence here people... we can't forget that... The 'cause' wasn't just bin Laden... sure he was that one that helped them believe and led them in the belief, but once you have the belief, you're not going to let it go just because the man who brought it to you is dead... you're going to want to continue the fight in his name... that's how this sort of thing works.
This isn't a time for anyone to sit back and think it's over... its far from it. bin Laden's death is just another point in the timeline, nothing more. Am I going to rejoice with the rest of the world? You betcha I am, this is one of the few times I've really felt proud to be an American... but I"m not going to be naive and think this is the last we'll hear of this...
That's also considering "Was it REALLY him?"... depends what you read... the link I provided at the top of this entry lends enough credit to this thought... where in the beginning it says they sent samples for DNA verification because the face wasn't 100% recognizable as bin Laden's and yet at the end they contradict this fact and say there was enough recognizable to make a 100% determination that it was him... we'll see...
V.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Some thoughts on the deaths of the Griswold, CT teens...
Part of me felt compelled... don't ask me why... it just did...
http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/new_london_cty/griswold-students-mourn-crash-deaths
For most people who live in the area, we know all about this event... and I chose that word since it seemed the least confrontational... incident, accident, tragedy, event, etc... call it what you will... in the end I don't suppose it really matters...
For the record... I'm of a mixed mind about this.
Yes, my sympathies and well wishes go to the families and friends of these teens. Any life taken by means other than natural death is tragic, especially worse when that life belongs to a youth. And its never easy to shoulder such grief... I know... I've lost many in my 30 years to know how hard it is, friends and family alike... and to see the community sounding so strongly in support of the families warms the heart.
But...
I also have to shake my head and sigh as yet another statistic is added to the ever growing list of teen-age driver incidents. The things that I have read about this event... the driver being unlicensed, the fact that there were 5 of them in the car to start with (a violation of CT teen driver laws... they're only allowed to have a single passenger with them when behind the wheel)... and any number of other facts that will come from the investigation that is certainly going on... it will only serve as more fuel for the fiery debate over teens and driving. And this too is sad...
Also...
There is a part of me that agrees with those that say they reeped what they sowed. Now before you flame me, hear me out...
Given what they know already about this event... its only right and fair to think that at least some measure of this is their own fault and doing and for every choice we make, we reep the reward... either good or bad. No one is above that reality... things catch up to you eventually... some more quickly than others...
But I state again, any life lost is tragic and awful...
Did they deserve to die? No. Is it fair to say that they suffered the price of a misguided choice? Yes. It was the ultimate price, a gamble that they lost... and I'll state again... it is tragic and awful.
Reality is what it is sadly... I can change it no more than any one else can and honestly I don't fancy to try.
I suppose its easier for me to be rational about this event considering I didn't know any of the teens involved, didn't know their families... heck I wouldn't have even known about them in any way had this not occurred... and I'm sure their families would have been happier for not only mine but most others ignorance of their lives. I know I'd rather have my child's name in the news for some sporting or academic achievement than for this...
But then, as someone who has once been in the shoes of these teen's friends... I can also reflect a bit on what the emotional roller coaster is going to be in the coming days, weeks, months... even years... It actually rings all too close to home for me... but my story isn't what's truly important... anyone who knows me already knows this story about as well as I do... what is important is that now everyone left behind is left to figure out what to do now...
Some will grieve and be alright looking fondly back the memories had with these kids...
Some will grieve and never let it go, dwelling in their own sorrow...
Some will try to point fingers and place blame and never deal with their own emotions...
And there will be countless others that will deal with this event in ways that I can't wrap my mind around at this time...
Needless to say, every day forward is going to be drastically changed for people who held these teens close to their hearts.
Those left behind...
I do have to wonder if they ever gave thought to them... I'm sure they did... if only in their last conscience thoughts before slipping into the hear after...
I suppose though that this would be a topic better suited for another time...
In the end I suppose my feelings on this come down to this... Yes it was a tragedy that these teens had to die... No I don't think its right to not place any blame on them for this happening...
To me it just boils down to one of the many things I try to live my life by... everything happens for a reason and we're not always privy to that reason.
Again, my thoughts and sympathies to the family and friends of these teens and I hope in the days to come they can find comfort in the memories and love they shared with them in the brief time they were alive.
http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/new_london_cty/griswold-students-mourn-crash-deaths
For most people who live in the area, we know all about this event... and I chose that word since it seemed the least confrontational... incident, accident, tragedy, event, etc... call it what you will... in the end I don't suppose it really matters...
For the record... I'm of a mixed mind about this.
Yes, my sympathies and well wishes go to the families and friends of these teens. Any life taken by means other than natural death is tragic, especially worse when that life belongs to a youth. And its never easy to shoulder such grief... I know... I've lost many in my 30 years to know how hard it is, friends and family alike... and to see the community sounding so strongly in support of the families warms the heart.
But...
I also have to shake my head and sigh as yet another statistic is added to the ever growing list of teen-age driver incidents. The things that I have read about this event... the driver being unlicensed, the fact that there were 5 of them in the car to start with (a violation of CT teen driver laws... they're only allowed to have a single passenger with them when behind the wheel)... and any number of other facts that will come from the investigation that is certainly going on... it will only serve as more fuel for the fiery debate over teens and driving. And this too is sad...
Also...
There is a part of me that agrees with those that say they reeped what they sowed. Now before you flame me, hear me out...
Given what they know already about this event... its only right and fair to think that at least some measure of this is their own fault and doing and for every choice we make, we reep the reward... either good or bad. No one is above that reality... things catch up to you eventually... some more quickly than others...
But I state again, any life lost is tragic and awful...
Did they deserve to die? No. Is it fair to say that they suffered the price of a misguided choice? Yes. It was the ultimate price, a gamble that they lost... and I'll state again... it is tragic and awful.
Reality is what it is sadly... I can change it no more than any one else can and honestly I don't fancy to try.
I suppose its easier for me to be rational about this event considering I didn't know any of the teens involved, didn't know their families... heck I wouldn't have even known about them in any way had this not occurred... and I'm sure their families would have been happier for not only mine but most others ignorance of their lives. I know I'd rather have my child's name in the news for some sporting or academic achievement than for this...
But then, as someone who has once been in the shoes of these teen's friends... I can also reflect a bit on what the emotional roller coaster is going to be in the coming days, weeks, months... even years... It actually rings all too close to home for me... but my story isn't what's truly important... anyone who knows me already knows this story about as well as I do... what is important is that now everyone left behind is left to figure out what to do now...
Some will grieve and be alright looking fondly back the memories had with these kids...
Some will grieve and never let it go, dwelling in their own sorrow...
Some will try to point fingers and place blame and never deal with their own emotions...
And there will be countless others that will deal with this event in ways that I can't wrap my mind around at this time...
Needless to say, every day forward is going to be drastically changed for people who held these teens close to their hearts.
Those left behind...
I do have to wonder if they ever gave thought to them... I'm sure they did... if only in their last conscience thoughts before slipping into the hear after...
I suppose though that this would be a topic better suited for another time...
In the end I suppose my feelings on this come down to this... Yes it was a tragedy that these teens had to die... No I don't think its right to not place any blame on them for this happening...
To me it just boils down to one of the many things I try to live my life by... everything happens for a reason and we're not always privy to that reason.
Again, my thoughts and sympathies to the family and friends of these teens and I hope in the days to come they can find comfort in the memories and love they shared with them in the brief time they were alive.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
On the edge of doom... I mean 30...
30...
In a few days from now, I'll join the ranks of my many friends that have hit this point before me...
Staring down it's barrel...
Getting "Over the Hill"...
And any number of other things that I've seen that reference this particular birthday...
But what's really special about it? Nothing exactly... its not like turning 13 and not being a kid anymore but a teenager... its not 16 where you're allowed to finally drive... or 18 when you're technically (and for all legal purposes) an adult... or even 21 when it finally becomes legal for you to throw back a beer... (Though most of us, myself included, did that long before getting to this milestone... LOL)
30 isn't even really mid-life anymore... not when the majority of people are living well into their 60s and later these days...
So what makes people hate being 30 so much? What makes them reflect a bit more than they would have on any birthday before? I can't answer these questions... though here I am... pondering what I've done with the past 30 years of my life... just like nearly everyone else...
What HAVE I done with them? What HAVEN'T I done with them?
Let's see...
I haven't changed the world... though I know I've changed the micro worlds of the people I've come into contact with... some in more epic ways than others... (And epic in the scale of one's own little world... not in the global sense of the world)
I've loved and even hated...
I've helped others in need and been equally as selfish... maybe more than equal on the selfish... (depends on who you ask I think)
I haven't seen the world... though I'd like to think I still have time for that...
I have a family... as dysfunctional and abnormal as it is...
I have a daughter that I admit I have no idea how to interact with... I try... sometimes not hard enough... sometimes in the wrong ways... but I do the best I can... at least I'd like to think so anyway... I continue to try...
I never went away to school... though I did the community college thing, didn't work and ultimately ended up with success at a trade school. I wouldn't knock that...
I've tried to learn as much as I can about as much as I can... and I'd like to continue to do that...
I've overcome obsticles and grown from them...
I've fallen on my ass more times than I care to count or remember...
I haven't made the most of everyday that I've lived to now... I have my lazy times just like most other people...
But I think the greatest thing I've done is live to this point...
The greatest thing about being 30 is actually making it this far... and I hope I feel the same way for every birthday until the day I finally don't wake up in the morning...
I've had 30 years to make friends I love, even though don't always get to talk to and hang out with them as much as I"d like...
I've had 30 years to make mistakes and learn great things...
I've had 30 years...
And you know what? I want 30 more... 40 more... even 50 more if the fates would so allow it... and I'll be happy to have every one even if I'm not happy every day of everyone...
I think I'll face this birthday like I try to face everyday of life these days... no looking back... just keep moving forward... Today's a new day and so will tomorrow be and every ever after...
So why hate 30? I don't think I have a reason to so I don't think I will... This year I'll be 2010... I mean 30 *laughs* and I'm ok with that.
In a few days from now, I'll join the ranks of my many friends that have hit this point before me...
Staring down it's barrel...
Getting "Over the Hill"...
And any number of other things that I've seen that reference this particular birthday...
But what's really special about it? Nothing exactly... its not like turning 13 and not being a kid anymore but a teenager... its not 16 where you're allowed to finally drive... or 18 when you're technically (and for all legal purposes) an adult... or even 21 when it finally becomes legal for you to throw back a beer... (Though most of us, myself included, did that long before getting to this milestone... LOL)
30 isn't even really mid-life anymore... not when the majority of people are living well into their 60s and later these days...
So what makes people hate being 30 so much? What makes them reflect a bit more than they would have on any birthday before? I can't answer these questions... though here I am... pondering what I've done with the past 30 years of my life... just like nearly everyone else...
What HAVE I done with them? What HAVEN'T I done with them?
Let's see...
I haven't changed the world... though I know I've changed the micro worlds of the people I've come into contact with... some in more epic ways than others... (And epic in the scale of one's own little world... not in the global sense of the world)
I've loved and even hated...
I've helped others in need and been equally as selfish... maybe more than equal on the selfish... (depends on who you ask I think)
I haven't seen the world... though I'd like to think I still have time for that...
I have a family... as dysfunctional and abnormal as it is...
I have a daughter that I admit I have no idea how to interact with... I try... sometimes not hard enough... sometimes in the wrong ways... but I do the best I can... at least I'd like to think so anyway... I continue to try...
I never went away to school... though I did the community college thing, didn't work and ultimately ended up with success at a trade school. I wouldn't knock that...
I've tried to learn as much as I can about as much as I can... and I'd like to continue to do that...
I've overcome obsticles and grown from them...
I've fallen on my ass more times than I care to count or remember...
I haven't made the most of everyday that I've lived to now... I have my lazy times just like most other people...
But I think the greatest thing I've done is live to this point...
The greatest thing about being 30 is actually making it this far... and I hope I feel the same way for every birthday until the day I finally don't wake up in the morning...
I've had 30 years to make friends I love, even though don't always get to talk to and hang out with them as much as I"d like...
I've had 30 years to make mistakes and learn great things...
I've had 30 years...
And you know what? I want 30 more... 40 more... even 50 more if the fates would so allow it... and I'll be happy to have every one even if I'm not happy every day of everyone...
I think I'll face this birthday like I try to face everyday of life these days... no looking back... just keep moving forward... Today's a new day and so will tomorrow be and every ever after...
So why hate 30? I don't think I have a reason to so I don't think I will... This year I'll be 2010... I mean 30 *laughs* and I'm ok with that.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Some Ranting, Some Venting... just some of this and some of that...
There have been quite a few things rumbling around in my brain lately... many of which I want to write about... quite a few I'm not sure I should write about... and all of that means squat to me because last time I checked this is MY blog and I can write about anything I damn well want to.
That being said... I might offend... if I do... stop reading... because frankly I don't care...
First on the block... Familial Favoritism...
I've seen a few things lately that just make me want to hit people for being so blindly STUPID! I'm not going to name names because its not needed... but it makes me sick to see people ignoring one child and falling all over themselves for another when there's absolutely no reason for it! I mean yeah I get it... if one kid is a total fail at life and can't get out of their own way long enough to stay out of trouble and the other works hard and pays their dues... in that case yeah I can see parents favoring one over the other... there is only so much 'help' you can give before it becomes 'enabling' but come on... When all of your kids are decent, hard working people... there's NO excuse to ignore one of them... And just because one is your kid and the others are your spouses' kids? Still no excuse. When you get married you're supposed to be doing it with the understanding that all the kids are now yours equally, both of you... if you couldn't handle that you should have walked away before walking down the aisle...
GAH!
I could rant on this for hours... it just REALLY jerks my chain and I can't stand to sit and watch it happening... but I have to... not my immediate family so really I have no place to say it to the people who are doing it... thus why I rant here... but it makes it really hard to face people when you can see what's going on and they can't or they refuse to see it the way it is...
Second on the block... Something not so personal...
If people cross the street somewhere OTHER than in a cross walk... they deserve what's coming to them! If a driver hits a pedestrian who thinks its 100% OK to walk out into the middle of traffic then the driver shouldn't be held in any way responsible if they hit the person. In my book that counts as suicidal and thus under the law is not the driver's fault... (Right now it's only not illegal to hit someone in the road if they unavoidably threw them self in front of your car) Come on here folks... pedestrians have to abide by the same rules of the road as drivers... what gives people the right to think that just because they're on foot they don't have to obey the rules that have been set forth, rightly, to protect them??? Every driver is taught and has the expectation that pedestrians will be in the cross walk... WHERE THEY BELONG! Would it really kill you people to walk the 100 yards to the cross walk? It might kill you NOT to... ever think about that?
There are COUNTLESS mornings where I go through Hartford and swarms of people get off a bus and immediately cross the street thinking that its their God given right to do so and on many of those countless mornings I almost hit one or two or TWELVE because I come around the corner, at the designated speed limit, when my light is green and I am FULLY allowed to go, to find them there... sometimes just STANDING there! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!? Would it really kill you to wait your turn? It very well might kill you NOT to... again... ever think about that?
Then they all have the nerve to get mad at ME because they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be at a time when they weren't supposed to be there! They've even hit the front of my car with their hands or even fists as I stopped because they think they were entitled! EXCUSE ME?????? And it's not one age, race, or creed that's mostly responsible... I get it from young and old, white to black... everything in between! Weren't we all taught in school that we look both ways before crossing the street and that we only cross in designated areas????? I know I was...
*LONG, DEEP BREATH*
I think I ranted enough....
That being said... I might offend... if I do... stop reading... because frankly I don't care...
First on the block... Familial Favoritism...
I've seen a few things lately that just make me want to hit people for being so blindly STUPID! I'm not going to name names because its not needed... but it makes me sick to see people ignoring one child and falling all over themselves for another when there's absolutely no reason for it! I mean yeah I get it... if one kid is a total fail at life and can't get out of their own way long enough to stay out of trouble and the other works hard and pays their dues... in that case yeah I can see parents favoring one over the other... there is only so much 'help' you can give before it becomes 'enabling' but come on... When all of your kids are decent, hard working people... there's NO excuse to ignore one of them... And just because one is your kid and the others are your spouses' kids? Still no excuse. When you get married you're supposed to be doing it with the understanding that all the kids are now yours equally, both of you... if you couldn't handle that you should have walked away before walking down the aisle...
GAH!
I could rant on this for hours... it just REALLY jerks my chain and I can't stand to sit and watch it happening... but I have to... not my immediate family so really I have no place to say it to the people who are doing it... thus why I rant here... but it makes it really hard to face people when you can see what's going on and they can't or they refuse to see it the way it is...
Second on the block... Something not so personal...
If people cross the street somewhere OTHER than in a cross walk... they deserve what's coming to them! If a driver hits a pedestrian who thinks its 100% OK to walk out into the middle of traffic then the driver shouldn't be held in any way responsible if they hit the person. In my book that counts as suicidal and thus under the law is not the driver's fault... (Right now it's only not illegal to hit someone in the road if they unavoidably threw them self in front of your car) Come on here folks... pedestrians have to abide by the same rules of the road as drivers... what gives people the right to think that just because they're on foot they don't have to obey the rules that have been set forth, rightly, to protect them??? Every driver is taught and has the expectation that pedestrians will be in the cross walk... WHERE THEY BELONG! Would it really kill you people to walk the 100 yards to the cross walk? It might kill you NOT to... ever think about that?
There are COUNTLESS mornings where I go through Hartford and swarms of people get off a bus and immediately cross the street thinking that its their God given right to do so and on many of those countless mornings I almost hit one or two or TWELVE because I come around the corner, at the designated speed limit, when my light is green and I am FULLY allowed to go, to find them there... sometimes just STANDING there! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!? Would it really kill you to wait your turn? It very well might kill you NOT to... again... ever think about that?
Then they all have the nerve to get mad at ME because they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be at a time when they weren't supposed to be there! They've even hit the front of my car with their hands or even fists as I stopped because they think they were entitled! EXCUSE ME?????? And it's not one age, race, or creed that's mostly responsible... I get it from young and old, white to black... everything in between! Weren't we all taught in school that we look both ways before crossing the street and that we only cross in designated areas????? I know I was...
*LONG, DEEP BREATH*
I think I ranted enough....
Thursday, September 9, 2010
How?
There are a few different things that I have been compelled to write about… today I think I’ll tackle the most recent of stories I’ve heard from friends… people who purposely put themselves through the stresses and traumas of domestic abuse.
I just don’t understand how anyone can do it…
You’re in a situation where your partner, be it boy friend, girl friend, wife, husband, etc… feels that its necessary to beat up on you, physically, emotionally, verbally… how do you stay? How do you not at least fight back? And how can these people put their kids at risk?
I do understand you think you love someone… but you have to ask yourself… why do I love this person? How can I love this person? Are you REALLY in love with them or just afraid of being without, alone?
I just don’t get it… people are seriously injured and even die almost every day because of domestic violence… you hear about it all the time… they pretty much beat into our heads these days what the warning signs are… are people in these situations really in that much denial?
I was hit by a boy friend once… and it never happened again… I didn’t let it…
I’m open for debate on this one from people who’ve seen it happen, had it happen… I just want to try and understand what goes through people’s minds when they’re in situations like this…
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