There are quite a few things about me that I know no one will ever understand. Hell there are things about me that I don’t even understand and for all of the wondering why I am the way I am… well… there are some answers I suppose I know but that also involves finger pointing and usually certified medical personnel and the like.
I do know one thing though, I just am who I am and no one can ask me to be anything else.
That being said, there have been some things that have been rattling around in my head. I think I’ll start with something I said to my husband the other night… As many who are around me for more than a few minutes these days know I’ve taken a VERY major liking to Fullmetal Alchemist since I finally got to watch through it all earlier this summer. Off handedly while snuggling the body pillow I have with Ed and Al on it I said to my husband that had I been a boy I would’ve wanted to be like Ed. He smiled at me and laughed a bit and told me I didn’t need to be a boy for that, that I already was like Ed. Then I couldn’t help but snuggle my pillow tighter and be completely happy with what he said to me. Well anyone who knows me knows I really like Edward, and not just for the reason you’d think, though I won’t deny that is part of it (even for a 2D animated character, when he’s older he really is hot, not gonna lie and when he’s a kid he’s absolutely adorable… but I digress). But the bigger picture of the reason I love Ed so much is simply what I said to my husband, I want to be like him and I already see so much of myself in him when I watch the animes or read the manga. There are probably a lot of people out there that would think I need my head checked for wanting to be like a fictional character, and they may be right, but that doesn’t change anything none the less.
Now comes the question… Why would you want to be like him? Anyone who knows the character I’m referring to knows that he’s hot headed, impatient, impulsive, and can be a total pain in the ass with anger issues (I won’t call him a shrimp though… he’s not short and wouldn’t like it one bit if he heard anyone call him that)… but he’s more than that too. For all of the fronting he does that he’s an unmovable stone wall, some sort of bad ass… His true strength comes from something far deeper than that and that’s the kind of strength that I most admire. Edward is kind hearted despite how his past has jaded him; he wants nothing more than to do everything he can to help and protect the people he cares about and he’s able to keep a single minded determination towards his goals no matter what else might happen, he doesn’t let anyone stand in his way if he can help it. He’s clever and incredibly intelligent but also at times delightfully dense and naïve. He chooses his own path in life and walks it proudly even if others would see fit to try and throw him off of it. This is the kind of person; deep down, that I want to be too… I don’t want to take crap from anyone for anything, make my own choices and stand by them, be able to do what I think is right no matter what…
*sigh*
I know I’m already a lot of those things I say I want to be… or at least so I’ve been told… I don’t know… there are just times I don’t believe it. And I know I annoy people pretty quickly with my little obsession but I can’t help it I guess. The need to play ‘dress up’ and the like to feel more like I’m making progress in my aim to be more like Edward… I think I can only chalk that one up to one of the many things I don’t even understand myself… but wearing Ed’s jacket everyday… carrying a replica of his pocket watch… cutting my hair and dying it to be like Ed’s… like I said, I may need to have my head checked (I’m pretty sure that I DO need my head checked sometimes)… but it makes me feel better, makes me happier inside, superficial as it is. Sometimes it really sucks that no one else around me seems to get it though… but I suppose that’s to be expected… there aren’t a lot of people around me that share the same absolute devotion to something like this…
*shrugs*
What are you gonna do though right? I’ll just have to take a page from Ed’s book and keep my head up and as long as I’m alive I’ll just keep moving forward… it’s the only thing we tiny humans can do…
