Memories

Memories are such... odd... things. Why do you ask? Well because the strangest things always seem to happen to make them play over and over again through your brain when you least expect them to... I hate that honestly... but that's not something I can do anything about.

Why do I bring this up? Well it seems over the last few months I've had many forced trips down memory lane that I may or may not have really wanted...

When reconnecting with old friends... OK I expect a certain amount of walking down memory lane... but when I'm listening to the radio (or more accurately for me Slacker.com or Pandora.com) and a song comes on and forces that walk... like the other day... I was listening to Slacker at work and K-Ci and JoJo's All My Life came on... I froze... That's really only one of two songs these days that will do that... I"m not going to spill the other one... knowing my luck just saying it will make it creep up on me and I don't think that would be a good thing for me right now. Now I couldn't bring myself to change the song though it was 100% within my ability to do so and I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment. I sat there, at work ironically... just listening and remembering... remembering a certain someone singing this song to me like he meant it many different times... in the car, at his house, the houses of friends... it was like a montage in my head of every time he'd done it... and there was this mix of intense sorrow, sickness (the I want to vomit sort), heart sickness, all other manors of emotions...

That's not the only time in recent history I've been forced to remember that pretty much same time in my life... a friend from high school posted an old picture to her Facebook... a picture that I had long forgotten... LONG LONG forgotten... I couldn't help but walk back to the night the picture was taken... it was honestly one of the biggest turning points in my life that night now that I can look back on it without the desire to res-erect my daughter's dead father just so I could kill him again myself... yeah I know that's bad but there were many times in the last 10 years I wished I could have done that trust me... thankfully that doesn't really happen anymore. Anyway, took me till now to realize it, lets just put it that way.

Plus there is the reunion with an old friend that I mentioned earlier... that was expected and actually pretty wanted... she was my best friend in high school... I missed her... about a month ago we'd gone out for her birthday and we just walked almost the entire route of our senior year and the few years after... I never should have let her husband get between her and I... so my fault... *shrugs* Better these days though... though I need to get a hold of her...


But the whole point of this is just... I think I've been taking too many walks down memory lane these days... and I know I'm not done just yet... not with the anniversary of my daughter's father's death looming in 9 days... I can't help but look back and just remember... but this just seems to keep building and building these days... I don't know why... the fates are funny things I suppose... or the nature of memories are....