Humanoid Data Dump

/begin dump

There's been so much making me feel like shit lately... I've spent a lot of days feeling like I need to cry but I can't. Been the worst the last few days though. Feel a lot like I'm losing control of things... though I know full well what we know as 'control' is a delusion but I like that little delusion and cling very tightly to it like a little kid to that favorite blanket or stuffed toy. I'm frustrated with me, with Will, with everything around me... and I don't know if there's a certain reason for it honestly. Maybe I'm just tired of playing happy all the time. There's a void in me that I seem to be feeling more so lately than I have in awhile. I can't get out of my own head, everything frustrates me or pisses me off or just makes me withdraw because I've just hit a point where I just don't want to see it anymore because I don't want to care. There's a part of me that's angry because I can't release this feeling like I once did. I draw your attention to humanoid exhibit A, 14 tattoos and a tongue piercing as ears don't count since that's 'normal'. I can't afford it... I can't afford anything... Though I like to trick myself into thinking I can and refuse to see that I can't and just on about whatever it is that I think buying will solve... I distance myself from Will because there's an irrational part of me that sees him as nothing but lazy right now... Here I am going to work all day (though I don't do much when there but that's not my fault at the moment) and he sits at home all day... I don't even know what he does most of the time. There are so many things that he could be doing but he tells me he doesn't want to do them by himself, like doing things around the yard. I mean we've talked about the things we want to do and its not he can't start cleaning the weeds and crap out. He doesn't need to me to do it... I just have this feeling that I'm no better off now than I was 10 years ago when I was running with the users and abusers who wanted nothing more from me than my car and what little money I had... My rational brain knows he's not the user type but the more emotional part of me, the one that relies a lot on what I've been through in the past, is getting REALLY loud these days. We need to do something... I just don't know what because every time I try to talk to him about it it just goes nowhere like I'm the one that has to get it started... even when I do stuff around the house, its only after I've ben at it a bit that he'll come and do stuff too... he knows better than to ask to help me specifically though since I usually don't want help unless I ask for it. And part of this little problem I'm having here is probably my fault... but if you see me straightening up in one room, why not offer to go work on another one? How hard is this? I just don't get it... and he procrastinates something awful... now I'm not calling the kettle black here because I know I'm not much better... but when it comes to REALLY important stuff I try very hard not to let the procrastinator in me get the better of me... Like Monday... he went in to do his unemployment stuff and it said he couldn't. When I asked if he called he said no, he wasn't up to waiting for an hour on the phone just to get to someone to talk to... I know its annoying, I know it sucks... but this a chunk of our ability to make ends meet, to live... THIS IS IMPORTANT! But anyway, he said He'd call Tuesday... I get home Tuesday to find him working on character Sheets for a D&D game he's going to be doing with some of his college friends via Skype and the what not... and when I asked if he'd called, he said no... now THAT pissed me off... here he was sitting here working on this stupid thing and he couldn't call the Unemployment office? Its stuff like this that REALLY frustrates me... He harps about getting the pictures from our wedding... Get off your ass and YOU call him! I've told him where the papers are... Its not easy for me to make that many personal phone calls here at work anymore... I have a supervisor who doesn't know enough to keep out of other people's business... I don't trust making too many calls around here unless I absolutely have to... and I know I spend money on my books... but its about the only sanity I have these days and I'm sorry but I don't really wonna give it up if I don't have to... is that so wrong of me? Maybe it is... not like I haven't been called selfish almost daily for a long time now. I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control... between that stuff and the fact that it seems I'm gaining weight and its really fast and I can't get rid of it even though I've adjusted what I eat and I walk every day and... I try... I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself... I don't like the person looking back at me, not just physically but in every other way... but I am who I am and to change feels like I'd be lying to myself too... I'm trying to be nicer instead of jaded and cranky, I'm trying to be more responsible but I admit that's not something that's come easily to me, ever... but I'm trying... but I don't even feel like I'm treading water... I always feel like I'm drowning. I just want to get in the car and go somewhere, just me, and leave everything behind for a bit... but who wouldn't right? I spend a lot of my day sighing in boredom or sadness or some other emotional reason... tears well up in my eyes and leak out for no reason... but I can't just cry and I need to... I know life sucks, I know life's not fair... I know all that. I can be so strong for other people but I can't be strong for myself... I can fix all sorts of things but for some reason I can't seem to fix this and that frustrates me too. I want to badly to fix it and I try to fix it... maybe I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know what I can do to try harder... Maybe I just want to be alone for a little while... but that doesn't seem to possible either because when you try to tell people you need to be alone they don't seem to get it. Like Will... he's alone all day at home... he gets time by himself... I don't... I'm at home, I'm with him, I'm at work I'm with my co-workers... and when I want to go out and just go to the mall by myself or anywhere else he gives me this look like he's hurt that I want to go alone. I get it... he has to stay at home all day and can't go anywhere and I know he gets a bit stir crazy. I know I would too if I couldn't go out. But I don't think he gets that going to work isn't alone time... yes I get out of the house but its just another sort of stir crazy never being allowed to be alone for any length of time. And I know Will wants to spend time with me and that's fine... but sometimes I just want to be alone... all by myself... no one around... I'm just so confused and frustrated and angry and... and... and... lost.

/end dump