Revelations and Rants

I'm not sure if I should start with the rant or with the revelation. The rant would make me feel better so maybe I will start there. Some things are really starting to bug me, namely hubby. I love him to death, don't get me wrong but I swear if he doesn't lay off I'm going to go nuts. He's not getting the NOT INTERESTED... I get it, he wants to be affectionate but I just don't and I get a sick to my stomach feeling if I try to force it. And before you say anything its not just him, if I think about it in general I feel ill. I just have no desire for that sort of thing at all. I'm stressed out, stretched thin and just trying to keep my head above water right now. All I'm really interested in is just doing the things that make me feel happy to keep me from getting depressed and self destructing. It was so bad the other day, I woke up and my body felt like it was pulling me back telling me not to wake up, don't ever wake up. Where ever my dreams had been was a far better place to stay than waking up into this world. It was frankly scarey. VERY scarey. I mean I know we've all had those dreams that we don't want to wake up from and we'll grumble about it, but this felt like a 'give up' sort of don't wake up. I know he's just as miserable as I am, maybe more so because he blames himself for everything that's happening but I don't know, I just don't know at all. We're both trying to solve the problems we have but sometimes it frustrates me because it feels like I'm doing more of the work than he is. *sigh* I'm having real trouble these days looking at things objectively and not getting stuck on the things that we can't do, which is just about everything. I think I need more human interaction too, people to hang out with that aren't him. I miss that honestly. I feel guilty though, for wanting that. A girl needs her friends though but I have a really hard time keeping friends for too long. *sigh* I get bored so easily... or I pick the wrong people to have as freinds, you name it. I don't know what to do anymore honestly. And if he sighs at me one more time I swear I"m going to deck him.

Revelation time. As most people who know me know I've recently REALLY gotten in Fullmetal Alchemist and have pretty much dragged my daughter along for the ride. I've been asked recently why I like it so much, especially Edward. Its not what you'd think either, though I don't deny that I do like him for the reasons you would think too. I think the biggest thing that pulled me in was that Edward reminds me a lot of myself. Hot headed, passionate to the point of being nearly single-minded when it comes to something important to him, big hearted but hurt a lot and not always willing to trust others... I actually find that I like this almost as much if not more than *shock* Sailor Moon. That's a rare one for me. I love anime and manga but its rare that I find one that I obsess like this over. Up until recently it was pretty much just Sailor Moon, with a sprinkling of CLAMP in general but then I actually watched through FMA: Brotherhood and after that I was hooked and went through everything else I could find. I've even hit the point where I'm trying to put together an Edward cosplay for Con this year. But that won't happen until I can get hubby back to work and I actually have enough money to pay for it without over drawing my account... again... and again... *sighs* It all comes back to that doesn't it? It may all be a mute point of even going to Con if he doesn't get back to work soon.

You know what I think I'm just going to stop here before I say something destructive. I find myself biting my tongue like that a lot these days. Oh well...