Why Am I The Way I Am?

There are quite a few things about me that I know no one will ever understand. Hell there are things about me that I don’t even understand and for all of the wondering why I am the way I am… well… there are some answers I suppose I know but that also involves finger pointing and usually certified medical personnel and the like.

I do know one thing though, I just am who I am and no one can ask me to be anything else.

That being said, there have been some things that have been rattling around in my head. I think I’ll start with something I said to my husband the other night… As many who are around me for more than a few minutes these days know I’ve taken a VERY major liking to Fullmetal Alchemist since I finally got to watch through it all earlier this summer. Off handedly while snuggling the body pillow I have with Ed and Al on it I said to my husband that had I been a boy I would’ve wanted to be like Ed. He smiled at me and laughed a bit and told me I didn’t need to be a boy for that, that I already was like Ed. Then I couldn’t help but snuggle my pillow tighter and be completely happy with what he said to me. Well anyone who knows me knows I really like Edward, and not just for the reason you’d think, though I won’t deny that is part of it (even for a 2D animated character, when he’s older he really is hot, not gonna lie and when he’s a kid he’s absolutely adorable… but I digress). But the bigger picture of the reason I love Ed so much is simply what I said to my husband, I want to be like him and I already see so much of myself in him when I watch the animes or read the manga. There are probably a lot of people out there that would think I need my head checked for wanting to be like a fictional character, and they may be right, but that doesn’t change anything none the less.

Now comes the question… Why would you want to be like him? Anyone who knows the character I’m referring to knows that he’s hot headed, impatient, impulsive, and can be a total pain in the ass with anger issues (I won’t call him a shrimp though… he’s not short and wouldn’t like it one bit if he heard anyone call him that)… but he’s more than that too. For all of the fronting he does that he’s an unmovable stone wall, some sort of bad ass… His true strength comes from something far deeper than that and that’s the kind of strength that I most admire. Edward is kind hearted despite how his past has jaded him; he wants nothing more than to do everything he can to help and protect the people he cares about and he’s able to keep a single minded determination towards his goals no matter what else might happen, he doesn’t let anyone stand in his way if he can help it. He’s clever and incredibly intelligent but also at times delightfully dense and naïve. He chooses his own path in life and walks it proudly even if others would see fit to try and throw him off of it. This is the kind of person; deep down, that I want to be too… I don’t want to take crap from anyone for anything, make my own choices and stand by them, be able to do what I think is right no matter what…

*sigh*

I know I’m already a lot of those things I say I want to be… or at least so I’ve been told… I don’t know… there are just times I don’t believe it. And I know I annoy people pretty quickly with my little obsession but I can’t help it I guess. The need to play ‘dress up’ and the like to feel more like I’m making progress in my aim to be more like Edward… I think I can only chalk that one up to one of the many things I don’t even understand myself… but wearing Ed’s jacket everyday… carrying a replica of his pocket watch… cutting my hair and dying it to be like Ed’s… like I said, I may need to have my head checked (I’m pretty sure that I DO need my head checked sometimes)… but it makes me feel better, makes me happier inside, superficial as it is. Sometimes it really sucks that no one else around me seems to get it though… but I suppose that’s to be expected… there aren’t a lot of people around me that share the same absolute devotion to something like this… 

*shrugs*

What are you gonna do though right? I’ll just have to take a page from Ed’s book and keep my head up and as long as I’m alive I’ll just keep moving forward… it’s the only thing we tiny humans can do…

Revelations and Rants

I'm not sure if I should start with the rant or with the revelation. The rant would make me feel better so maybe I will start there. Some things are really starting to bug me, namely hubby. I love him to death, don't get me wrong but I swear if he doesn't lay off I'm going to go nuts. He's not getting the NOT INTERESTED... I get it, he wants to be affectionate but I just don't and I get a sick to my stomach feeling if I try to force it. And before you say anything its not just him, if I think about it in general I feel ill. I just have no desire for that sort of thing at all. I'm stressed out, stretched thin and just trying to keep my head above water right now. All I'm really interested in is just doing the things that make me feel happy to keep me from getting depressed and self destructing. It was so bad the other day, I woke up and my body felt like it was pulling me back telling me not to wake up, don't ever wake up. Where ever my dreams had been was a far better place to stay than waking up into this world. It was frankly scarey. VERY scarey. I mean I know we've all had those dreams that we don't want to wake up from and we'll grumble about it, but this felt like a 'give up' sort of don't wake up. I know he's just as miserable as I am, maybe more so because he blames himself for everything that's happening but I don't know, I just don't know at all. We're both trying to solve the problems we have but sometimes it frustrates me because it feels like I'm doing more of the work than he is. *sigh* I'm having real trouble these days looking at things objectively and not getting stuck on the things that we can't do, which is just about everything. I think I need more human interaction too, people to hang out with that aren't him. I miss that honestly. I feel guilty though, for wanting that. A girl needs her friends though but I have a really hard time keeping friends for too long. *sigh* I get bored so easily... or I pick the wrong people to have as freinds, you name it. I don't know what to do anymore honestly. And if he sighs at me one more time I swear I"m going to deck him.

Revelation time. As most people who know me know I've recently REALLY gotten in Fullmetal Alchemist and have pretty much dragged my daughter along for the ride. I've been asked recently why I like it so much, especially Edward. Its not what you'd think either, though I don't deny that I do like him for the reasons you would think too. I think the biggest thing that pulled me in was that Edward reminds me a lot of myself. Hot headed, passionate to the point of being nearly single-minded when it comes to something important to him, big hearted but hurt a lot and not always willing to trust others... I actually find that I like this almost as much if not more than *shock* Sailor Moon. That's a rare one for me. I love anime and manga but its rare that I find one that I obsess like this over. Up until recently it was pretty much just Sailor Moon, with a sprinkling of CLAMP in general but then I actually watched through FMA: Brotherhood and after that I was hooked and went through everything else I could find. I've even hit the point where I'm trying to put together an Edward cosplay for Con this year. But that won't happen until I can get hubby back to work and I actually have enough money to pay for it without over drawing my account... again... and again... *sighs* It all comes back to that doesn't it? It may all be a mute point of even going to Con if he doesn't get back to work soon.

You know what I think I'm just going to stop here before I say something destructive. I find myself biting my tongue like that a lot these days. Oh well...

Just an FYI...

I've begun a bit of a labor of love for me... and turned my old Manga blog into a creative haven for myself... right now I'm posting a fan fiction story and artwork to go with it. I'd appreciate it if you'd head over and give it a read, what I have anyway... I'd recommend using the pages to read it instead of the individual blog posts...


My creative haven

Thanks in advance :)

My new writer's blog

I've decided that I'm turning the blog I started to talk about manga into a writing blog... if you wonna check it out here's the link:Sailor Midnyght Alchemist's Writer's Haven Please drop by and give it a read... right now I just have the first few chapters of a massive fan story I'm writing up there... but I'd love any constructive feed back you guys can provide... I"m hoping to get a whole bunch of other stuff there but for now... well... its sort of small. But hopefully you guys like it. :)

Humanoid Data Dump

/begin dump

There's been so much making me feel like shit lately... I've spent a lot of days feeling like I need to cry but I can't. Been the worst the last few days though. Feel a lot like I'm losing control of things... though I know full well what we know as 'control' is a delusion but I like that little delusion and cling very tightly to it like a little kid to that favorite blanket or stuffed toy. I'm frustrated with me, with Will, with everything around me... and I don't know if there's a certain reason for it honestly. Maybe I'm just tired of playing happy all the time. There's a void in me that I seem to be feeling more so lately than I have in awhile. I can't get out of my own head, everything frustrates me or pisses me off or just makes me withdraw because I've just hit a point where I just don't want to see it anymore because I don't want to care. There's a part of me that's angry because I can't release this feeling like I once did. I draw your attention to humanoid exhibit A, 14 tattoos and a tongue piercing as ears don't count since that's 'normal'. I can't afford it... I can't afford anything... Though I like to trick myself into thinking I can and refuse to see that I can't and just on about whatever it is that I think buying will solve... I distance myself from Will because there's an irrational part of me that sees him as nothing but lazy right now... Here I am going to work all day (though I don't do much when there but that's not my fault at the moment) and he sits at home all day... I don't even know what he does most of the time. There are so many things that he could be doing but he tells me he doesn't want to do them by himself, like doing things around the yard. I mean we've talked about the things we want to do and its not he can't start cleaning the weeds and crap out. He doesn't need to me to do it... I just have this feeling that I'm no better off now than I was 10 years ago when I was running with the users and abusers who wanted nothing more from me than my car and what little money I had... My rational brain knows he's not the user type but the more emotional part of me, the one that relies a lot on what I've been through in the past, is getting REALLY loud these days. We need to do something... I just don't know what because every time I try to talk to him about it it just goes nowhere like I'm the one that has to get it started... even when I do stuff around the house, its only after I've ben at it a bit that he'll come and do stuff too... he knows better than to ask to help me specifically though since I usually don't want help unless I ask for it. And part of this little problem I'm having here is probably my fault... but if you see me straightening up in one room, why not offer to go work on another one? How hard is this? I just don't get it... and he procrastinates something awful... now I'm not calling the kettle black here because I know I'm not much better... but when it comes to REALLY important stuff I try very hard not to let the procrastinator in me get the better of me... Like Monday... he went in to do his unemployment stuff and it said he couldn't. When I asked if he called he said no, he wasn't up to waiting for an hour on the phone just to get to someone to talk to... I know its annoying, I know it sucks... but this a chunk of our ability to make ends meet, to live... THIS IS IMPORTANT! But anyway, he said He'd call Tuesday... I get home Tuesday to find him working on character Sheets for a D&D game he's going to be doing with some of his college friends via Skype and the what not... and when I asked if he'd called, he said no... now THAT pissed me off... here he was sitting here working on this stupid thing and he couldn't call the Unemployment office? Its stuff like this that REALLY frustrates me... He harps about getting the pictures from our wedding... Get off your ass and YOU call him! I've told him where the papers are... Its not easy for me to make that many personal phone calls here at work anymore... I have a supervisor who doesn't know enough to keep out of other people's business... I don't trust making too many calls around here unless I absolutely have to... and I know I spend money on my books... but its about the only sanity I have these days and I'm sorry but I don't really wonna give it up if I don't have to... is that so wrong of me? Maybe it is... not like I haven't been called selfish almost daily for a long time now. I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control... between that stuff and the fact that it seems I'm gaining weight and its really fast and I can't get rid of it even though I've adjusted what I eat and I walk every day and... I try... I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself... I don't like the person looking back at me, not just physically but in every other way... but I am who I am and to change feels like I'd be lying to myself too... I'm trying to be nicer instead of jaded and cranky, I'm trying to be more responsible but I admit that's not something that's come easily to me, ever... but I'm trying... but I don't even feel like I'm treading water... I always feel like I'm drowning. I just want to get in the car and go somewhere, just me, and leave everything behind for a bit... but who wouldn't right? I spend a lot of my day sighing in boredom or sadness or some other emotional reason... tears well up in my eyes and leak out for no reason... but I can't just cry and I need to... I know life sucks, I know life's not fair... I know all that. I can be so strong for other people but I can't be strong for myself... I can fix all sorts of things but for some reason I can't seem to fix this and that frustrates me too. I want to badly to fix it and I try to fix it... maybe I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know what I can do to try harder... Maybe I just want to be alone for a little while... but that doesn't seem to possible either because when you try to tell people you need to be alone they don't seem to get it. Like Will... he's alone all day at home... he gets time by himself... I don't... I'm at home, I'm with him, I'm at work I'm with my co-workers... and when I want to go out and just go to the mall by myself or anywhere else he gives me this look like he's hurt that I want to go alone. I get it... he has to stay at home all day and can't go anywhere and I know he gets a bit stir crazy. I know I would too if I couldn't go out. But I don't think he gets that going to work isn't alone time... yes I get out of the house but its just another sort of stir crazy never being allowed to be alone for any length of time. And I know Will wants to spend time with me and that's fine... but sometimes I just want to be alone... all by myself... no one around... I'm just so confused and frustrated and angry and... and... and... lost.

/end dump

Sometimes I scare myself...

As the title of this entry states, sometimes I scare myself...

I've been working on a bit of a project for my Girl Scouts and it entails my going through their list of musical preferences... Now this was a learning experience over all for me just because as far as music goes I've pretty stayed out of touch for the last 10 or so years just because most of the music I heard on the radio made me sick... Bad wonna-be Rap, Hip Hop etc... I couldn't take it...

But then I actually let my Slacker play one day and found that I liked a lot of the stuff that's come out in the last year or so... (I'll admit it was mostly because many of my favorite artists from the 90s had made incredible come backs... but I digress) So I decided I wanted to learn more...


I put out a 2 purpose request to my Girl Scouts... 1st purpose I have to keep a bit under wraps because it entails a bit of a surprise for them (though not the grand one I planned but you'll find out about that later) and 2nd was to learn what the heck people are listening to these days because I'd found myself out of touch with music and that sucked because I'm like a freaking human juke box and having nothing new in my memory banks just pissed me off and there's no better way to get a glimpse than to ask 12 year olds...

I started this endeavor by asking these 4 12 year olds to make me a list of their 20 favorite songs... Then, once I'd seen their lists, I started listening to the 'pop'ular stations that would be most likely to play these songs.

I discovered two things... as I said before, music had made a bit of turn back in a direction I could tolerate... and the other thing I learned is that it had also gotten worse... I also discovered artists that I'd once dismissed (Katy Perry being one of them) because their music had progressed into something better since the first time I'd heard it... and I rediscovered many of my favorites (Gotta love reconnecting with my love for P!NK and Eminem)

So now with a firmer grasp of these songs that they had put on their lists I sat down to wade through their lists... and I realized that I couldn't use many of the songs because if they weren't out right labelled Explicit, I knew from having heard them that they were questionable and I couldn't include them in my little project...

And this is the point where I scare myself...

Two things dawned on me...

I actually stopped and thought about the content of these songs like a *gulp* responsible adult. (OH NO! PLEASE SAY IT AIN'T SO!) Before I wouldn't have cared if they had questionable content or swears in them... I wouldn't have thought twice about including them... but last night I found myself thinking that yes, one girl may be allowed to listen to this sort of music, others may not be and I could get into a bit of deep crap if these songs got into the hands of a girl who had the disapproving parents...

But this also led to me to another realization that made me a bit sick inside... I was 'censoring' the content of my project because of its content... I'm a purist when it comes to music... I don't like that people censor out swears and the like in a song because the song was created with these words and they are an expression of the artist singing them and the people that wrote them... who am I to say this is right or wrong? Who am I to judge like this? I felt like such a hypocrite... I don't like feeling this way... not one bit...

But because of this I found that I couldn't do the project as had originally intended because of this... and the fact that there was way too much over-lap in their lists. Over-lap being an issue I can handle... I just don't like the other stuff was a reason too... but being in the position I'm in I don't have a choice... I can't put questionable content into my Girl Scout's hands...

I hate this growing up shit... I really do...

V.

Thoughts on bin Laden...

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/05/02/bin.laden.dead/index.html?hpt=T1

"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead..." After nearly 10 years (more if you count back to his terrorist actions pre-dating 9/11/01), this Elusive Man (Not to be confused with the fictional man of the same name from Mass Effect 2) has finally been eliminated... And while I share the nation's and the world's joy that this man can no longer spread his violence, hatred, and evil I'm also left with a sense of dread for the coming weeks, months, and perhaps years.

"Dread? Why dread?" you ask...

Think for a moment. First, bin Laden was crazy... not stupid... a man like him would not allow himself to be killed without training someone to take over for him. I can not seriously believe that he would have been THAT arrogant to think he would never die. It was no secret that he'd been sick over the years... he knew his days would come to an end eventually and I don't think he'd want his 'cause' to die with him. So you KNOW there is someone else just waiting to take charge and continue the fight...

That little bit actually brings to mind another thought... and please forgive me for digressing a bit...

How come after all this time, he'd FINALLY allow himself to be caught and killed? And chalk this up to conspiracy theory or whatever else you'd like.. but I think he LET himself be caught and killed. But why would he do such a thing... well I think he knew he was sick and that he was going to die anyway. In his mind, and in the thoughts he spread, he thought that it is better to die fighting in the name of their god... in the name of Islam, as a marter. (Now this is not a finger point to Islam... I know many people who follow this faith and they are NOT nutters like this guy... this is just my understanding of what bin Laden has been known to have held as belief.) To die of something like illness would not give him the glories in the after life that he preached to make people follow him... so what does one do? Die for the cause... this way, he dies in the name of his 'god' and he gets to have his virgins and what not in the after life instead of taking the 'weaker' way out and dying of illness and get nothing... if that's true or not remains to be seen as with any faith in the after life... not my issue to debate at the moment... But it would make sense... if you knew you were dying anyway, why not take the glorious route instead of the feeble one? I just find it hard to believe that after all this time, even with all the cleaver and well thought out military plans over the years, bin Laden would get caught and killed. He'd managed to slip out just in time so many times before... why would this time be any different?

Thank you for the indulgence... now back to the reasons for the dread...

Second, there are countless people out there that follow him... and they're not going to take the death of bin Laden lightly... Did we when they killed all of those people in the many terror attacks they planned including 9/11? Hell no... they're going to want 'justice' same as we did... Violence begets more violence here people... we can't forget that... The 'cause' wasn't just bin Laden... sure he was that one that helped them believe and led them in the belief, but once you have the belief, you're not going to let it go just because the man who brought it to you is dead... you're going to want to continue the fight in his name... that's how this sort of thing works.

This isn't a time for anyone to sit back and think it's over... its far from it. bin Laden's death is just another point in the timeline, nothing more. Am I going to rejoice with the rest of the world? You betcha I am, this is one of the few times I've really felt proud to be an American... but I"m not going to be naive and think this is the last we'll hear of this...

That's also considering "Was it REALLY him?"... depends what you read... the link I provided at the top of this entry lends enough credit to this thought... where in the beginning it says they sent samples for DNA verification because the face wasn't 100% recognizable as bin Laden's and yet at the end they contradict this fact and say there was enough recognizable to make a 100% determination that it was him... we'll see...

V.