This comes a bit late... but seeing as I was laid up in bed sick, I think I can be forgiven...
10 years have passed...
Has it really been that long?
Everyday that passes,
There's a part of me that knows,
In death you're watching over us.
I know you're helping me,
Keep our daughter safe,
Helping her to grow.
And I hope,
You're just as proud of her as I am.
There have been times over the last 10 years where I have cursed your name and gotten so mad at you for leaving us... for practically ignoring us while you were here... There was even a time I blamed myself for what happened... if I had tried harder, if I had done something differently... I don't know what I could have done but maybe there was something...
Every day that goes by though, I hope that you're on the other side watching us and doing for us what couldn't be done in life... There have been times I've sworn I've felt you there, guiding my hand... helping me not make the same mistakes you made... saving me when I was about to make a wrong turn.
Its hard to forgive the pain and suffering you put me through... but a little more comes each day... Every time I narrowly miss some accident that might take me away too... I feel you there telling me its not my time yet...
Its pretty strange actually... for as much pain I feel because of you... these days its easier to feel the happiness you brought me too...
There are always going to be scars on my heart from you, memories that will never fade away... Things that are going to make me think of you... and I"m not so afraid of them anymore...
I just hope that when you look at where I am now, and where our daughter is... that you can look at us and be proud of where we are and the people we've become. Things are different now... things are calmer now... but I will remember those days, not so angrily now. I will remember those days... and think back on what a wild ride you made my life... both the bad... and the good.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Thoughts bigger than oneself
I was on my way to work yesterday and they were talking about an interesting subject on the radio... "If you could go back in time and tell your 18 year old self anything, what would it be?" It ended up just being a discussion on if you could go back to any point in your life sort of thing but it got me thinking...
If I could go back would I?
Sure there are tons of times in my past I'd wished I'd known then what I know now... and at first I thought yeah I'd like to go back to a point in my life and tell my younger self to make a different choice but then I thought more about it...
If I changed just one thing... how would that effect everything that had come after it? My choices effected other people, they effected who I met, my interactions with them... if I changed just one event, I not only would change the course of my life but it would be very possible that I would change the paths of other people too. The weird thing about it is that it sounds selfish and not at the same time. I know I'm not the center of anyone's world but my own, I like it that way... but everything we do, everything we say... every choice we make, either big or small, alters the course of so many other people around us and we don't always realize it... and if we change things people who may have a very happy life now may not in the alternate reality we'd create and vice versa... Yeah we might change someone's life for the better by making a different choice ourselves, but we're just as likely to make someone else's life miserable or make things worse than they were before...
I don't know as I'd be able to shoulder the burden of that... knowing that I'd selfishly changed my life so I'd be happier at the expense of making someone else who'd had a part of my life miserable...
I thought about if I'd gone back to the summer before my senior year of high school... the point where when I think back was pretty much the point that changed the course of my life as I know it so drastically... I'd tell myself how choosing to pursue a relationship with the guy that would be the father of my daughter would turn out... I don't know as I'd make myself pick anything different, just tell myself what happened and let the younger me make the choice again. Honestly I'd like to think that the 16 year old me would make the choice the 29 year old me wishes I'd made then... but I couldn't be sure... I was a different person then... (Yes... I know the thought of this makes many people's heads hurt... even mine from time to time.)
But if I could go back and did... and the 16 year old me decided that it wasn't worth the turmoil that would ensue... what would happen then? Well the friend I took him from may or may not have stayed with him... would it have been her that had ended up in the situations that I did? Maybe, maybe not... but that's a guaranteed 2 lives I would have changed with just changing one decision (Not to mention the lives of the people THEY came into contact with in the years after that point). I most likely would not have lost my virginity that year... and thus not gotten pregnant... and I probably would have gone off to college after graduating... who can really even speculate from there...
I'm pretty sure all the boyfriends I had in the time since then wouldn't have been there... more lives changed...
The friends I made in the days, weeks, and years since then I may not have made and thus wouldn't have introduced to other friends... more lives changed...
And on that, I can't help but think I wouldn't have introduced my best friend to her current husband had things not gone the way they had... and she wouldn't be so miserable now... Yeah there's a part of me that blames myself for that one... I mean I didn't tell her to go out with him (I was actually pretty pissed off when I found out she was... but oh well) and I didn't tell her to marry him or anything but I did introduce them... good things and bad both have to start somewhere...
In the 13 years that have passed since that one choice was made... so much has happened... I've met so many wonderful people and so many not so wonderful people... If I change that one choice, so much changes with it... so many lives change with it in various different degrees...
In the end I couldn't be that selfish... even if I COULD go back and change it, I wouldn't...
The next time someone asks YOU if you would go back and change things... think about it a little while before you answer... you may realize just how many lives you've touched, both good and bad, and realize maybe one choice isn't as insignificant as you think...
If I could go back would I?
Sure there are tons of times in my past I'd wished I'd known then what I know now... and at first I thought yeah I'd like to go back to a point in my life and tell my younger self to make a different choice but then I thought more about it...
If I changed just one thing... how would that effect everything that had come after it? My choices effected other people, they effected who I met, my interactions with them... if I changed just one event, I not only would change the course of my life but it would be very possible that I would change the paths of other people too. The weird thing about it is that it sounds selfish and not at the same time. I know I'm not the center of anyone's world but my own, I like it that way... but everything we do, everything we say... every choice we make, either big or small, alters the course of so many other people around us and we don't always realize it... and if we change things people who may have a very happy life now may not in the alternate reality we'd create and vice versa... Yeah we might change someone's life for the better by making a different choice ourselves, but we're just as likely to make someone else's life miserable or make things worse than they were before...
I don't know as I'd be able to shoulder the burden of that... knowing that I'd selfishly changed my life so I'd be happier at the expense of making someone else who'd had a part of my life miserable...
I thought about if I'd gone back to the summer before my senior year of high school... the point where when I think back was pretty much the point that changed the course of my life as I know it so drastically... I'd tell myself how choosing to pursue a relationship with the guy that would be the father of my daughter would turn out... I don't know as I'd make myself pick anything different, just tell myself what happened and let the younger me make the choice again. Honestly I'd like to think that the 16 year old me would make the choice the 29 year old me wishes I'd made then... but I couldn't be sure... I was a different person then... (Yes... I know the thought of this makes many people's heads hurt... even mine from time to time.)
But if I could go back and did... and the 16 year old me decided that it wasn't worth the turmoil that would ensue... what would happen then? Well the friend I took him from may or may not have stayed with him... would it have been her that had ended up in the situations that I did? Maybe, maybe not... but that's a guaranteed 2 lives I would have changed with just changing one decision (Not to mention the lives of the people THEY came into contact with in the years after that point). I most likely would not have lost my virginity that year... and thus not gotten pregnant... and I probably would have gone off to college after graduating... who can really even speculate from there...
I'm pretty sure all the boyfriends I had in the time since then wouldn't have been there... more lives changed...
The friends I made in the days, weeks, and years since then I may not have made and thus wouldn't have introduced to other friends... more lives changed...
And on that, I can't help but think I wouldn't have introduced my best friend to her current husband had things not gone the way they had... and she wouldn't be so miserable now... Yeah there's a part of me that blames myself for that one... I mean I didn't tell her to go out with him (I was actually pretty pissed off when I found out she was... but oh well) and I didn't tell her to marry him or anything but I did introduce them... good things and bad both have to start somewhere...
In the 13 years that have passed since that one choice was made... so much has happened... I've met so many wonderful people and so many not so wonderful people... If I change that one choice, so much changes with it... so many lives change with it in various different degrees...
In the end I couldn't be that selfish... even if I COULD go back and change it, I wouldn't...
The next time someone asks YOU if you would go back and change things... think about it a little while before you answer... you may realize just how many lives you've touched, both good and bad, and realize maybe one choice isn't as insignificant as you think...
Monday, August 9, 2010
A bit of this and that
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the latest installment of my randomness...
Well maybe not 100% randomness today, more like just a few things that have been going on...
Friday night, hubby and I spent a night out at Mohegan Sun. We were most lucky as a lady I work with, Kathy, was kind enough to get Barenaked Ladies tickets for us so we figured we'd make a night of it.
We started with dinner at Bobby's Burger Palace, one of Bobby Flay's restaurants in the casino. Holy cow was this place great! And the prices there aren't bad at all. I had a classic burger with potato chips on it, onion rings (These things are ginormous!), and a Vanilla Caramel Bourbon milk shake... I was SOOO full after that, I actually couldn't finish it. Will had the Burger of the month (I think it was called the Carolina Burger but don't quote me on that) that had this yummy looking red cabbage and green onion slaw on it. Will said it was quite tasty though I didn't get the chance to try it. The french fries he got had this dipping sauce with 'em too that was tasty but oh my it made my tongue go all tingly when I tried it.
Then it was show time... and it was AWESOME! Great music, lots of laughs. The seats were perfect, we could see everything with little to no use of the big screens they had set up on both sides of the stage. Couldn't have asked for better! (THANK YOU AGAIN KATHY!)
After the show, we met up with Will's friend Josh and his friend Rosie as they had been at the concert too. Rosie is an awesome chica... and of course I had to stick my nose where it probably didn't belong and ask Josh why this girl was not his girlfriend... she was awesomesauce indeed. But that aside, we decided to hang out and do a bit of gambling, not much as none of us are really gamblers... Josh parked at a Craps table and I figured I'd hit a Penny slot that was behind the Craps table. I put $20 in and played $.40... Won $16.00 on that one spin! I got up after that... I had already almost doubled my cash and SOOOOO was not going to push my luck. One spin and I make money... I'm good! Josh managed to make his money back a little too on the Craps table so we both figured that was enough. (Will doesn't gamble at all and Rosie didn't seem interested in actually playing... she hung out and chatted while this like 10 minutes of gambling was going on). We finished the night with a stop at Starbuck's. Another lucky night for me indeed. The girl that was working was someone I'd known from the days I'd worked at Discovery and she remembered me! So of course we chatted for a minute (it was busy so couldn't chat long) and then she let me have mine and Will's beverages no charge! What a night! We didn't get home until after 1am.
Took most of the weekend to recover from it... though thankfully there weren't doing anything really for the rest of the weekend so it was nice to just laze about and relax.
Well maybe not 100% randomness today, more like just a few things that have been going on...
Friday night, hubby and I spent a night out at Mohegan Sun. We were most lucky as a lady I work with, Kathy, was kind enough to get Barenaked Ladies tickets for us so we figured we'd make a night of it.
We started with dinner at Bobby's Burger Palace, one of Bobby Flay's restaurants in the casino. Holy cow was this place great! And the prices there aren't bad at all. I had a classic burger with potato chips on it, onion rings (These things are ginormous!), and a Vanilla Caramel Bourbon milk shake... I was SOOO full after that, I actually couldn't finish it. Will had the Burger of the month (I think it was called the Carolina Burger but don't quote me on that) that had this yummy looking red cabbage and green onion slaw on it. Will said it was quite tasty though I didn't get the chance to try it. The french fries he got had this dipping sauce with 'em too that was tasty but oh my it made my tongue go all tingly when I tried it.
Then it was show time... and it was AWESOME! Great music, lots of laughs. The seats were perfect, we could see everything with little to no use of the big screens they had set up on both sides of the stage. Couldn't have asked for better! (THANK YOU AGAIN KATHY!)
After the show, we met up with Will's friend Josh and his friend Rosie as they had been at the concert too. Rosie is an awesome chica... and of course I had to stick my nose where it probably didn't belong and ask Josh why this girl was not his girlfriend... she was awesomesauce indeed. But that aside, we decided to hang out and do a bit of gambling, not much as none of us are really gamblers... Josh parked at a Craps table and I figured I'd hit a Penny slot that was behind the Craps table. I put $20 in and played $.40... Won $16.00 on that one spin! I got up after that... I had already almost doubled my cash and SOOOOO was not going to push my luck. One spin and I make money... I'm good! Josh managed to make his money back a little too on the Craps table so we both figured that was enough. (Will doesn't gamble at all and Rosie didn't seem interested in actually playing... she hung out and chatted while this like 10 minutes of gambling was going on). We finished the night with a stop at Starbuck's. Another lucky night for me indeed. The girl that was working was someone I'd known from the days I'd worked at Discovery and she remembered me! So of course we chatted for a minute (it was busy so couldn't chat long) and then she let me have mine and Will's beverages no charge! What a night! We didn't get home until after 1am.
Took most of the weekend to recover from it... though thankfully there weren't doing anything really for the rest of the weekend so it was nice to just laze about and relax.
Friday, August 6, 2010
How do they do it????
Who knew writing a content specific blog could be so tough!?!?!? I've been wrestling with my other blog adventure, "Mindyght's Manga Madness" for a few days now. What is this you ask? Pretty much what it sounds like. I've created a blog where I can talk about a passion of mine, manga.
I thought I would start out with the stuff I have in my respectable collection, specifically what I'm re-reading now, Fruits Basket... but good goddess in the heavens this proving to be tougher than I thought! I want to talk about it in a way that will allow those who have read it to have discussions with me but I also don't want to give away the story too much for people who haven't read it yet and want to...
How do reviewers and what not do it?!?!?!?!?!?
Every time I sit down to try and work this review/story overview out I end up deleting it because it sounds so 4th grade or because I've given away something I don't think I should have. *sigh*
Any suggestions????
I thought I would start out with the stuff I have in my respectable collection, specifically what I'm re-reading now, Fruits Basket... but good goddess in the heavens this proving to be tougher than I thought! I want to talk about it in a way that will allow those who have read it to have discussions with me but I also don't want to give away the story too much for people who haven't read it yet and want to...
How do reviewers and what not do it?!?!?!?!?!?
Every time I sit down to try and work this review/story overview out I end up deleting it because it sounds so 4th grade or because I've given away something I don't think I should have. *sigh*
Any suggestions????
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Memories
Memories are such... odd... things. Why do you ask? Well because the strangest things always seem to happen to make them play over and over again through your brain when you least expect them to... I hate that honestly... but that's not something I can do anything about.
Why do I bring this up? Well it seems over the last few months I've had many forced trips down memory lane that I may or may not have really wanted...
When reconnecting with old friends... OK I expect a certain amount of walking down memory lane... but when I'm listening to the radio (or more accurately for me Slacker.com or Pandora.com) and a song comes on and forces that walk... like the other day... I was listening to Slacker at work and K-Ci and JoJo's All My Life came on... I froze... That's really only one of two songs these days that will do that... I"m not going to spill the other one... knowing my luck just saying it will make it creep up on me and I don't think that would be a good thing for me right now. Now I couldn't bring myself to change the song though it was 100% within my ability to do so and I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment. I sat there, at work ironically... just listening and remembering... remembering a certain someone singing this song to me like he meant it many different times... in the car, at his house, the houses of friends... it was like a montage in my head of every time he'd done it... and there was this mix of intense sorrow, sickness (the I want to vomit sort), heart sickness, all other manors of emotions...
That's not the only time in recent history I've been forced to remember that pretty much same time in my life... a friend from high school posted an old picture to her Facebook... a picture that I had long forgotten... LONG LONG forgotten... I couldn't help but walk back to the night the picture was taken... it was honestly one of the biggest turning points in my life that night now that I can look back on it without the desire to res-erect my daughter's dead father just so I could kill him again myself... yeah I know that's bad but there were many times in the last 10 years I wished I could have done that trust me... thankfully that doesn't really happen anymore. Anyway, took me till now to realize it, lets just put it that way.
Plus there is the reunion with an old friend that I mentioned earlier... that was expected and actually pretty wanted... she was my best friend in high school... I missed her... about a month ago we'd gone out for her birthday and we just walked almost the entire route of our senior year and the few years after... I never should have let her husband get between her and I... so my fault... *shrugs* Better these days though... though I need to get a hold of her...
But the whole point of this is just... I think I've been taking too many walks down memory lane these days... and I know I'm not done just yet... not with the anniversary of my daughter's father's death looming in 9 days... I can't help but look back and just remember... but this just seems to keep building and building these days... I don't know why... the fates are funny things I suppose... or the nature of memories are....
Why do I bring this up? Well it seems over the last few months I've had many forced trips down memory lane that I may or may not have really wanted...
When reconnecting with old friends... OK I expect a certain amount of walking down memory lane... but when I'm listening to the radio (or more accurately for me Slacker.com or Pandora.com) and a song comes on and forces that walk... like the other day... I was listening to Slacker at work and K-Ci and JoJo's All My Life came on... I froze... That's really only one of two songs these days that will do that... I"m not going to spill the other one... knowing my luck just saying it will make it creep up on me and I don't think that would be a good thing for me right now. Now I couldn't bring myself to change the song though it was 100% within my ability to do so and I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment. I sat there, at work ironically... just listening and remembering... remembering a certain someone singing this song to me like he meant it many different times... in the car, at his house, the houses of friends... it was like a montage in my head of every time he'd done it... and there was this mix of intense sorrow, sickness (the I want to vomit sort), heart sickness, all other manors of emotions...
That's not the only time in recent history I've been forced to remember that pretty much same time in my life... a friend from high school posted an old picture to her Facebook... a picture that I had long forgotten... LONG LONG forgotten... I couldn't help but walk back to the night the picture was taken... it was honestly one of the biggest turning points in my life that night now that I can look back on it without the desire to res-erect my daughter's dead father just so I could kill him again myself... yeah I know that's bad but there were many times in the last 10 years I wished I could have done that trust me... thankfully that doesn't really happen anymore. Anyway, took me till now to realize it, lets just put it that way.
Plus there is the reunion with an old friend that I mentioned earlier... that was expected and actually pretty wanted... she was my best friend in high school... I missed her... about a month ago we'd gone out for her birthday and we just walked almost the entire route of our senior year and the few years after... I never should have let her husband get between her and I... so my fault... *shrugs* Better these days though... though I need to get a hold of her...
But the whole point of this is just... I think I've been taking too many walks down memory lane these days... and I know I'm not done just yet... not with the anniversary of my daughter's father's death looming in 9 days... I can't help but look back and just remember... but this just seems to keep building and building these days... I don't know why... the fates are funny things I suppose... or the nature of memories are....
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Email blog entry!
I'm quite impressed with the many ways one can blog these days.
Yes, this is just a silly post to make sure I can email post from my Blackberry...
Yes, I am that much of a dork...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Yes, this is just a silly post to make sure I can email post from my Blackberry...
Yes, I am that much of a dork...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Why am I here?
Wow... here I am back into the wonderful world of blogging... How did I end up here again? *laughs* I suppose I was a bit on the verge of waxing nostalgic and missing my old LiveJournal account... and the Notes section of Facebook and the other such sections of other such social networking sites didn't do it for me. I have to question my need for this though seeing as I'm just another obscure soul in a sea of mediocrity. Yes, one more avenue to be ignored on but I suppose I'm just a glutton for that sort of thing.
I do have to wonder what I will use this blog for though... I've pondered the idea of a review blog for one of my favorite things... MANGA! I have enough of it in my possession to have material for awhile though I've never written reviews and the like before. Might be something worth trying my hand at... though I suppose a Ramblings Blog wouldn't be the place for that... *puts that little tidbit on a future plans list that looks like a mile long honeydolist*
My personal randomness isn't usually read worthy... like I said, I'm just another soul in a sea of mediocrity... though I suppose if I stand out or not depends on those that wonder here and do the kindness of following me and maybe even *gasp* sharing my posts with others.
I suppose I have much to think on. I don't think I want to be just another face in the crowd... Mayhaps greatness isn't too far off... we'll just have to see...
I do have to wonder what I will use this blog for though... I've pondered the idea of a review blog for one of my favorite things... MANGA! I have enough of it in my possession to have material for awhile though I've never written reviews and the like before. Might be something worth trying my hand at... though I suppose a Ramblings Blog wouldn't be the place for that... *puts that little tidbit on a future plans list that looks like a mile long honeydolist*
My personal randomness isn't usually read worthy... like I said, I'm just another soul in a sea of mediocrity... though I suppose if I stand out or not depends on those that wonder here and do the kindness of following me and maybe even *gasp* sharing my posts with others.
I suppose I have much to think on. I don't think I want to be just another face in the crowd... Mayhaps greatness isn't too far off... we'll just have to see...
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