Some thoughts on the deaths of the Griswold, CT teens...

Part of me felt compelled... don't ask me why... it just did...

http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/new_london_cty/griswold-students-mourn-crash-deaths

For most people who live in the area, we know all about this event... and I chose that word since it seemed the least confrontational... incident, accident, tragedy, event, etc... call it what you will... in the end I don't suppose it really matters...

For the record... I'm of a mixed mind about this.

Yes, my sympathies and well wishes go to the families and friends of these teens. Any life taken by means other than natural death is tragic, especially worse when that life belongs to a youth. And its never easy to shoulder such grief... I know... I've lost many in my 30 years to know how hard it is, friends and family alike... and to see the community sounding so strongly in support of the families warms the heart.

But...

I also have to shake my head and sigh as yet another statistic is added to the ever growing list of teen-age driver incidents. The things that I have read about this event... the driver being unlicensed, the fact that there were 5 of them in the car to start with (a violation of CT teen driver laws... they're only allowed to have a single passenger with them when behind the wheel)... and any number of other facts that will come from the investigation that is certainly going on... it will only serve as more fuel for the fiery debate over teens and driving. And this too is sad...

Also...

There is a part of me that agrees with those that say they reeped what they sowed. Now before you flame me, hear me out...

Given what they know already about this event... its only right and fair to think that at least some measure of this is their own fault and doing and for every choice we make, we reep the reward... either good or bad. No one is above that reality... things catch up to you eventually... some more quickly than others...

But I state again, any life lost is tragic and awful...

Did they deserve to die? No. Is it fair to say that they suffered the price of a misguided choice? Yes. It was the ultimate price, a gamble that they lost... and I'll state again... it is tragic and awful.

Reality is what it is sadly... I can change it no more than any one else can and honestly I don't fancy to try.

I suppose its easier for me to be rational about this event considering I didn't know any of the teens involved, didn't know their families... heck I wouldn't have even known about them in any way had this not occurred... and I'm sure their families would have been happier for not only mine but most others ignorance of their lives. I know I'd rather have my child's name in the news for some sporting or academic achievement than for this...

But then, as someone who has once been in the shoes of these teen's friends... I can also reflect a bit on what the emotional roller coaster is going to be in the coming days, weeks, months... even years... It actually rings all too close to home for me... but my story isn't what's truly important... anyone who knows me already knows this story about as well as I do... what is important is that now everyone left behind is left to figure out what to do now...

Some will grieve and be alright looking fondly back the memories had with these kids...

Some will grieve and never let it go, dwelling in their own sorrow...

Some will try to point fingers and place blame and never deal with their own emotions...

And there will be countless others that will deal with this event in ways that I can't wrap my mind around at this time...

Needless to say, every day forward is going to be drastically changed for people who held these teens close to their hearts.

Those left behind...

I do have to wonder if they ever gave thought to them... I'm sure they did... if only in their last conscience thoughts before slipping into the hear after...

I suppose though that this would be a topic better suited for another time...

In the end I suppose my feelings on this come down to this... Yes it was a tragedy that these teens had to die... No I don't think its right to not place any blame on them for this happening...

To me it just boils down to one of the many things I try to live my life by... everything happens for a reason and we're not always privy to that reason.

Again, my thoughts and sympathies to the family and friends of these teens and I hope in the days to come they can find comfort in the memories and love they shared with them in the brief time they were alive.

On the edge of doom... I mean 30...

30...

In a few days from now, I'll join the ranks of my many friends that have hit this point before me...

Staring down it's barrel...

Getting "Over the Hill"...

And any number of other things that I've seen that reference this particular birthday...

But what's really special about it? Nothing exactly... its not like turning 13 and not being a kid anymore but a teenager... its not 16 where you're allowed to finally drive... or 18 when you're technically (and for all legal purposes) an adult... or even 21 when it finally becomes legal for you to throw back a beer... (Though most of us, myself included, did that long before getting to this milestone... LOL)

30 isn't even really mid-life anymore... not when the majority of people are living well into their 60s and later these days...

So what makes people hate being 30 so much? What makes them reflect a bit more than they would have on any birthday before? I can't answer these questions... though here I am... pondering what I've done with the past 30 years of my life... just like nearly everyone else...

What HAVE I done with them? What HAVEN'T I done with them?

Let's see...

I haven't changed the world... though I know I've changed the micro worlds of the people I've come into contact with... some in more epic ways than others... (And epic in the scale of one's own little world... not in the global sense of the world)

I've loved and even hated...

I've helped others in need and been equally as selfish... maybe more than equal on the selfish... (depends on who you ask I think)

I haven't seen the world... though I'd like to think I still have time for that...

I have a family... as dysfunctional and abnormal as it is...

I have a daughter that I admit I have no idea how to interact with... I try... sometimes not hard enough... sometimes in the wrong ways... but I do the best I can... at least I'd like to think so anyway... I continue to try...

I never went away to school... though I did the community college thing, didn't work and ultimately ended up with success at a trade school. I wouldn't knock that...

I've tried to learn as much as I can about as much as I can... and I'd like to continue to do that...

I've overcome obsticles and grown from them...

I've fallen on my ass more times than I care to count or remember...

I haven't made the most of everyday that I've lived to now... I have my lazy times just like most other people...

But I think the greatest thing I've done is live to this point...

The greatest thing about being 30 is actually making it this far... and I hope I feel the same way for every birthday until the day I finally don't wake up in the morning...

I've had 30 years to make friends I love, even though  don't always get to talk to and hang out with them as much as I"d like...

I've had 30 years to make mistakes and learn great things...

I've had 30 years...

And you know what? I want 30 more... 40 more... even 50 more if the fates would so allow it... and I'll be happy to have every one even if I'm not happy every day of everyone...

I think I'll face this birthday like I try to face everyday of life these days... no looking back... just keep moving forward... Today's a new day and so will tomorrow be and every ever after...

So why hate 30? I don't think I have a reason to so I don't think I will... This year I'll be 2010... I mean 30 *laughs* and I'm ok with that.

Some Ranting, Some Venting... just some of this and some of that...

There have been quite a few things rumbling around in my brain lately... many of which I want to write about... quite a few I'm not sure I should write about... and all of that means squat to me because last time I checked this is MY blog and I can write about anything I damn well want to.

That being said... I might offend... if I do... stop reading... because frankly I don't care...

First on the block... Familial Favoritism...

I've seen a few things lately that just make me want to hit people for being so blindly STUPID! I'm not going to name names because its not needed... but it makes me sick to see people ignoring one child and falling all over themselves for another when there's absolutely no reason for it! I mean yeah I get it... if one kid is a total fail at life and can't get out of their own way long enough to stay out of trouble and the other works hard and pays their dues... in that case yeah I can see parents favoring one over the other... there is only so much 'help' you can give before it becomes 'enabling' but come on... When all of your kids are decent, hard working people... there's NO excuse to ignore one of them... And just because one is your kid and the others are your spouses' kids? Still no excuse. When you get married you're supposed to be doing it with the understanding that all the kids are now yours equally, both of you... if you couldn't handle that you should have walked away before walking down the aisle...

GAH!

I could rant on this for hours... it just REALLY jerks my chain and I can't stand to sit and watch it happening... but I have to... not my immediate family so really I have no place to say it to the people who are doing it... thus why I rant here... but it makes it really hard to face people when you can see what's going on and they can't or they refuse to see it the way it is...


Second on the block... Something not so personal...

If people cross the street somewhere OTHER than in a cross walk... they deserve what's coming to them! If a driver hits a pedestrian who thinks its 100% OK to walk out into the middle of traffic then the driver shouldn't be held in any way responsible if they hit the person. In my book that counts as suicidal and thus under the law is not the driver's fault... (Right now it's only not illegal to hit someone in the road if they unavoidably threw them self in front of your car) Come on here folks... pedestrians have to abide by the same rules of the road as drivers... what gives people the right to think that just because they're on foot they don't have to obey the rules that have been set forth, rightly, to protect them??? Every driver is taught and has the expectation that pedestrians will be in the cross walk... WHERE THEY BELONG! Would it really kill you people to walk the 100 yards to the cross walk? It might kill you NOT to... ever think about that?

There are COUNTLESS mornings where I go through Hartford and swarms of people get off a bus and immediately cross the street thinking that its their God given right to do so and on many of those countless mornings I almost hit one or two or TWELVE because I come around the corner, at the designated speed limit, when my light is green and I am FULLY allowed to go, to find them there... sometimes just STANDING there! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?!? Would it really kill you to wait your turn? It very well might kill you NOT to... again... ever think about that?

Then they all have the nerve to get mad at ME because they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be at a time when they weren't supposed to be there! They've even hit the front of my car with their hands or even fists as I stopped because they think they were entitled! EXCUSE ME?????? And it's not one age, race, or creed that's mostly responsible... I get it from young and old, white to black... everything in between! Weren't we all taught in school that we look both ways before crossing the street and that we only cross in designated areas????? I know I was...

*LONG, DEEP BREATH*

I think I ranted enough....

How?

There are a few different things that I have been compelled to write about… today I think I’ll tackle the most recent of stories I’ve heard from friends… people who purposely put themselves through the stresses and traumas of domestic abuse.

I just don’t understand how anyone can do it… 

You’re in a situation where your partner, be it boy friend, girl friend, wife, husband, etc… feels that its necessary to beat up on you, physically, emotionally, verbally… how do you stay? How do you not at least fight back? And how can these people put their kids at risk? 

I do understand you think you love someone… but you have to ask yourself… why do I love this person? How can I love this person?  Are you REALLY in love with them or just afraid of being without, alone?

I just don’t get it… people are seriously injured and even die almost every day because of domestic violence… you hear about it all the time… they pretty much beat into our heads these days what the warning signs are… are people in these situations really in that much denial? 

I was hit by a boy friend once… and it never happened again… I didn’t let it…

I’m open for debate on this one from people who’ve seen it happen, had it happen… I just want to try and understand what goes through people’s minds when they’re in situations like this…

What has passed... What we are... What will hopefully someday be...

This comes a bit late... but seeing as I was laid up in bed sick, I think I can be forgiven...

10 years have passed...
Has it really been that long?
Everyday that passes,
There's a part of me that knows,
In death you're watching over us.

I know you're helping me,
Keep our daughter safe,
Helping her to grow.
And I hope,
You're just as proud of her as I am.


There have been times over the last 10 years where I have cursed your name and gotten so mad at you for leaving us... for practically ignoring us while you were here... There was even a time I blamed myself for what happened... if I had tried harder, if I had done something differently... I don't know what I could have done but maybe there was something...

Every day that goes by though, I hope that you're on the other side watching us and doing for us what couldn't be done in life... There have been times I've sworn I've felt you there, guiding my hand... helping me not make the same mistakes you made... saving me when I was about to make a wrong turn.

Its hard to forgive the pain and suffering you put me through... but a little more comes each day... Every time I narrowly miss some accident that might take me away too... I feel you there telling me its not my time yet...

Its pretty strange actually... for as much pain I feel because of you... these days its easier to feel the happiness you brought me too... 

There are always going to be scars on my heart from you, memories that will never fade away... Things that are going to make me think of you... and I"m not so afraid of them anymore...

I just hope that when you look at where I am now, and where our daughter is... that you can look at us and be proud of where we are and the people we've become. Things are different now... things are calmer now... but I will remember those days, not so angrily now. I will remember those days... and think back on what a wild ride you made my life... both the bad... and the good.

...Happy Birthday...

Thoughts bigger than oneself

I was on my way to work yesterday and they were talking about an interesting subject on the radio... "If you could go back in time and tell your 18 year old self anything, what would it be?" It ended up just being a discussion on if you could go back to any point in your life sort of thing but it got me thinking...

If I could go back would I?


Sure there are tons of times in my past I'd wished I'd known then what I know now... and at first I thought yeah I'd like to go back to a point in my life and tell my younger self to make a different choice but then I thought more about it...

If I changed just one thing... how would that effect everything that had come after it? My choices effected other people, they effected who I met, my interactions with them... if I changed just one event, I not only would change the course of my life but it would be very possible that I would change the paths of other people too. The weird thing about it is that it sounds selfish and not at the same time. I know I'm not the center of anyone's world but my own, I like it that way... but everything we do, everything we say... every choice we make, either big or small, alters the course of so many other people around us and we don't always realize it... and if we change things people who may have a very happy life now may not in the alternate reality we'd create and vice versa... Yeah we might change someone's life for the better by making a different choice ourselves, but we're just as likely to make someone else's life miserable or make things worse than they were before...

I don't know as I'd be able to shoulder the burden of that... knowing that I'd selfishly changed my life so I'd be happier at the expense of making someone else who'd had a part of my life miserable...

I thought about if I'd gone back to the summer before my senior year of high school... the point where when I think back was pretty much the point that changed the course of my life as I know it so drastically... I'd tell myself how choosing to pursue a relationship with the guy that would be the father of my daughter would turn out... I don't know as I'd make myself pick anything different, just tell myself what happened and let the younger me make the choice again. Honestly I'd like to think that the 16 year old me would make the choice the 29 year old me wishes I'd made then... but I couldn't be sure... I was a different person then... (Yes... I know the thought of this makes many people's heads hurt... even mine from time to time.)

But if I could go back and did... and the 16 year old me decided that it wasn't worth the turmoil that would ensue... what would happen then? Well the friend I took him from may or may not have stayed with him... would it have been her that had ended up in the situations that I did? Maybe, maybe not... but that's a guaranteed 2 lives I would have changed with just changing one decision (Not to mention the lives of the people THEY came into contact with in the years after that point). I most likely would not have lost my virginity that year... and thus not gotten pregnant... and I probably would have gone off to college after graduating... who can really even speculate from there...

I'm pretty sure all the boyfriends I had in the time since then wouldn't have been there... more lives changed...

The friends I made in the days, weeks, and years since then I may not have made and thus wouldn't have introduced to other friends... more lives changed...

And on that, I can't help but think I wouldn't have introduced my best friend to her current husband had things not gone the way they had... and she wouldn't be so miserable now... Yeah there's a part of me that blames myself for that one... I mean I didn't tell her to go out with him (I was actually pretty pissed off when I found out she was... but oh well) and I didn't tell her to marry him or anything but I did introduce them... good things and bad both have to start somewhere...

In the 13 years that have passed since that one choice was made... so much has happened... I've met so many wonderful people and so many not so wonderful people... If I change that one choice, so much changes with it... so many lives change with it in various different degrees...

In the end I couldn't be that selfish... even if I COULD go back and change it, I wouldn't...

The next time someone asks YOU if you would go back and change things... think about it a little while before you answer... you may realize just how many lives you've touched, both good and bad, and realize maybe one choice isn't as insignificant as you think...

A bit of this and that

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the latest installment of my randomness...

Well maybe not 100% randomness today, more like just a few things that have been going on...

Friday night, hubby and I spent a night out at Mohegan Sun. We were most lucky as a lady I work with, Kathy, was kind enough to get Barenaked Ladies tickets for us so we figured we'd make a night of it.

We started with dinner at Bobby's Burger Palace, one of Bobby Flay's restaurants in the casino. Holy cow was this place great! And the prices there aren't bad at all. I had a classic burger with potato chips on it, onion rings (These things are ginormous!), and a Vanilla Caramel Bourbon milk shake... I was SOOO full after that, I actually couldn't finish it. Will had the Burger of the month (I think it was called the Carolina Burger but don't quote me on that) that had this yummy looking red cabbage and green onion slaw on it. Will said it was quite tasty though I didn't get the chance to try it. The french fries he got had this dipping sauce with 'em too that was tasty but oh my it made my tongue go all tingly when I tried it.


Then it was show time... and it was AWESOME! Great music, lots of laughs. The seats were perfect, we could see everything with little to no use of the big screens they had set up on both sides of the stage. Couldn't have asked for better! (THANK YOU AGAIN KATHY!)

After the show, we met up with Will's friend Josh and his friend Rosie as they had been at the concert too. Rosie is an awesome chica... and of course I had to stick my nose where it probably didn't belong and ask Josh why this girl was not his girlfriend... she was awesomesauce indeed. But that aside, we decided to hang out and do a bit of gambling, not much as none of us are really gamblers... Josh parked at a Craps table and I figured I'd hit a Penny slot that was behind the Craps table. I put $20 in and played $.40... Won $16.00 on that one spin! I got up after that... I had already almost doubled my cash and SOOOOO was not going to push my luck. One spin and I make money... I'm good! Josh managed to make his money back a little too on the Craps table so we both figured that was enough. (Will doesn't gamble at all and Rosie didn't seem interested in actually playing... she hung out and chatted while this like 10 minutes of gambling was going on). We finished the night with a stop at Starbuck's. Another lucky night for me indeed. The girl that was working was someone I'd known from the days I'd worked at Discovery and she remembered me! So of course we chatted for a minute (it was busy so couldn't chat long) and then she let me have mine and Will's beverages no charge! What a night! We didn't get home until after 1am.

Took most of the weekend to recover from it... though thankfully there weren't doing anything really for the rest of the weekend so it was nice to just laze about and relax.

I had to share...

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

How do they do it????

Who knew writing a content specific blog could be so tough!?!?!? I've been wrestling with my other blog adventure, "Mindyght's Manga Madness" for a few days now. What is this you ask? Pretty much what it sounds like. I've created a blog where I can talk about a passion of mine, manga.

I thought I would start out with the stuff I have in my respectable collection, specifically what I'm re-reading now, Fruits Basket... but good goddess in the heavens this proving to be tougher than I thought! I want to talk about it in a way that will allow those who have read it to have discussions with me but I also don't want to give away the story too much for people who haven't read it yet and want to...

How do reviewers and what not do it?!?!?!?!?!?

Every time I sit down to try and work this review/story overview out I end up deleting it because it sounds so 4th grade or because I've given away something I don't think I should have. *sigh*

Any suggestions????

Encino Man II: Lost In Walmart

Encino Man II: Lost In Walmart


OMG... this is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen >.<

Memories

Memories are such... odd... things. Why do you ask? Well because the strangest things always seem to happen to make them play over and over again through your brain when you least expect them to... I hate that honestly... but that's not something I can do anything about.

Why do I bring this up? Well it seems over the last few months I've had many forced trips down memory lane that I may or may not have really wanted...

When reconnecting with old friends... OK I expect a certain amount of walking down memory lane... but when I'm listening to the radio (or more accurately for me Slacker.com or Pandora.com) and a song comes on and forces that walk... like the other day... I was listening to Slacker at work and K-Ci and JoJo's All My Life came on... I froze... That's really only one of two songs these days that will do that... I"m not going to spill the other one... knowing my luck just saying it will make it creep up on me and I don't think that would be a good thing for me right now. Now I couldn't bring myself to change the song though it was 100% within my ability to do so and I suppose I'm just a glutton for punishment. I sat there, at work ironically... just listening and remembering... remembering a certain someone singing this song to me like he meant it many different times... in the car, at his house, the houses of friends... it was like a montage in my head of every time he'd done it... and there was this mix of intense sorrow, sickness (the I want to vomit sort), heart sickness, all other manors of emotions...

That's not the only time in recent history I've been forced to remember that pretty much same time in my life... a friend from high school posted an old picture to her Facebook... a picture that I had long forgotten... LONG LONG forgotten... I couldn't help but walk back to the night the picture was taken... it was honestly one of the biggest turning points in my life that night now that I can look back on it without the desire to res-erect my daughter's dead father just so I could kill him again myself... yeah I know that's bad but there were many times in the last 10 years I wished I could have done that trust me... thankfully that doesn't really happen anymore. Anyway, took me till now to realize it, lets just put it that way.

Plus there is the reunion with an old friend that I mentioned earlier... that was expected and actually pretty wanted... she was my best friend in high school... I missed her... about a month ago we'd gone out for her birthday and we just walked almost the entire route of our senior year and the few years after... I never should have let her husband get between her and I... so my fault... *shrugs* Better these days though... though I need to get a hold of her...


But the whole point of this is just... I think I've been taking too many walks down memory lane these days... and I know I'm not done just yet... not with the anniversary of my daughter's father's death looming in 9 days... I can't help but look back and just remember... but this just seems to keep building and building these days... I don't know why... the fates are funny things I suppose... or the nature of memories are....

Email blog entry!

I'm quite impressed with the many ways one can blog these days.
Yes, this is just a silly post to make sure I can email post from my Blackberry...
Yes, I am that much of a dork...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Why am I here?

Wow... here I am back into the wonderful world of blogging... How did I end up here again? *laughs* I suppose I was a bit on the verge of waxing nostalgic and missing my old LiveJournal account... and the Notes section of Facebook and the other such sections of other such social networking sites didn't do it for me. I have to question my need for this though seeing as I'm just another obscure soul in a sea of mediocrity. Yes, one more avenue to be ignored on but I suppose I'm just a glutton for that sort of thing.

I do have to wonder what I will use this blog for though... I've pondered the idea of a review blog for one of my favorite things... MANGA! I have enough of it in my possession to have material for awhile though I've never written reviews and the like before. Might be something worth trying my hand at... though I suppose a Ramblings Blog wouldn't be the place for that... *puts that little tidbit on a future plans list that looks like a mile long honeydolist*

My personal randomness isn't usually read worthy... like I said, I'm just another soul in a sea of mediocrity... though I suppose if I stand out or not depends on those that wonder here and do the kindness of following me and maybe even *gasp* sharing my posts with others.

I suppose I have much to think on. I don't think I want to be just another face in the crowd... Mayhaps greatness isn't too far off... we'll just have to see...